"We have a business plan. We're just looking for investors."

"I have already thought less of you. You do realize everyone else is doing it." -Brian
"That wasn't the most note worthy boob thing on walls."
"Everything around your balls is all wrinkled."
"It's ok...he's building me a bike."-Erin
"I'll have to wear a berka. Because I'm half female". -Nils
"I am the straightest biggest homo you've ever met." -Todd
"We're like a burnt catch of chicken."
"I'd be up for some pre-planning planning." -Jessica
"Take my hand...I'll take you to hot DOG paradise." -Jonathan
"I am so polish, too."
"The second best dancer was the black guy with the limp."
"It's not my bus."
"Outsource your laptop." -Umesh
"I'm never having the vagina talk with you guys."
"Pimpin ain't easy. It ain't."
"There's a lot of grown-ass people here playing video games." -Kris
"We're tens, man. And there is nothing wrong with being a ten. I apologize for saying we might be nines." -Danielle on feminism

"We all have our own go-to people, but you girls are my forever go-to people."

Quoteblog...Queen Bee style. I've known these ladies starting at the age of 5, which has now been THIRTY YEARS for some of us. Wowza. We spent a long weekend of CELEBRATION in Florida recently.




"The get up and go got up and went." -sadee

"We've got security." -lou

"Why does Charlotte Russe have an outlet store?" -jill


"If people see me pick my nose, I don't really care."

"Are you gonna put this on your blog? I don't want to have to censor myself." -sadee

"I really like this...well, until I saw these f*ckers." -sloan on birds

"Are you doing inappropriate things with my pen?" -lou

"Self-diagnosed. High anxiety. Tightly wound." -medhurst

"Oh, we're not in Colorado. I have a hard time remembering that you live in Florida." -maggie

"I thought you would appreciate that. You especially." -keri

"...the lesbian and her lesbian friend. COME ON, YOU CARPET MUNCHERS!!" -maggie

"I really don't like bees. But I really like bees!" -allison

"That's exactly what it says at the Gap. 'This b already bought something online.'"

"Sara, you should skip the ruffage." -svr

"Mary told me she would buy my Coach purse." -maggie

"He's very generous in his own kind of ways. But those are not his ways." -sadee

"I...am about....to stick my face...in that big bowl of cho-co-late mousse." -jill

"I frickin' love enchiladas." -fritzel


"I had my moment where I invited Jesus into my heart. But it was a lie." -mg

"I would work here just to hear "Sleigh Ride" every day." -sara on disney



"All the other girls are gonna be sooo jealous!" -allie on fairy dust

"It's not your fault, I just look chubby." -jill

"It may be cutting off the electricity of my body." -svr

"I would like to do a water aerobics class. Like with senior citizens." -sadee on exercise

"Now, if I'm a white girl from Illinois, is it still just a "little" spicy?" -jill

"Jill has two beers and is....ready to screw the bartender." -maggie on tolerance

"You want some drizzle dizzle?" -lou

"I can't even speak grammar." -maggie

"I'm a little tipsy. I don't know if I've ever been totally drunk around you guys."

"Jill's like the paparazzi." -maggie

"Keri, do you want to go next? While you can still form a sentence?" -jill on highs and lows

"You ever had your business done?" -jill
"Not professionally." -lou

"Never roam alone!" -luke on bernard

"Oh, I was on the tit."

"Oh, shit! That's great!" -luke on pictures

"....and Sloan is the same height as the Medhurst girls." -sadee on the same pictures

"Do you think Bernard is playing with his penus in here?"

"They don't make a condom for your heart, Jill."

"Did you guys know that in high school I was really popular for doing the running man??" -keri

"I like to touch my flower." -smf

"Sloan, do you have a pen?"
"I thought you stole a pen."

"If we were in the DAR, you'd be our historian." -sadee

"Hair down. No boobs." -allie on first impressions

"I enjoyed the side trip to the ghetto." -lou

"Lou, we should sit together more often. We're funny." -jill

"She is NOT okay."

"All of the shirts in my closet are short sleeved. And I live in Illinois." -sloan

"No, thanks. We don't drink and drive." -sadee on coupons

"Oh, are you gonna put it in your purse and recycle it?" -maggie on pizza crust

"Now why did we stop when I just said I was gonna do what I was gonna do?" -sloan



"Her name is Helen because Sloan likes to mute her." -maggie on the garmin

"There I am, itching my hoo-ha. Don't worry; I'm not up in there."



"You are ruining their 'Happiest Place on Earth' moment." -lou

"...And now she's Elmo." -sadee

"Doesn't this just make you happy, Jill?"
"Now there's an adult up there...OK, he's mentally handicapped."
"No chocolate! GO DANCE UP THERE!!" -all sadee on downtown disney

"Those sorority girls like that crap." -sadee on paint your own pottery
"And Jill." -maggie

"Are you saying my neck is fat?"

"Yeah-I have a godmother. She's 78." -maggie
"You can be in a movie at 15, why can't you be a godmother?" -sara
"Do you have pictures yet?" -lou on the plimptons
"So George Plimpton is married to the young model?!" -sara
(all of the above plus 18 other quotes happened while all 8 of us were in the car. There was only ONE actual topic of conversation.)

"You're fine. Move on. Build a bridge." -maggie

"I should drink more." -medhurst

"And I do watch a little too much Nancy Grace. I own that." -sadee on conservative views

"Why do gay people need their own newspaper?"

(after the insanity of the boys visit, my brother returned to denver just 2 weeks later. with my mom. we had a blast doing all kinds of touristy things. and generally laughing at random nonsense. that's where the first few quotes come from...)

"Are you going to get drunk and then ride roller coasters?"
"No. I'm going to ride roller coasters and THEN get drunk."

"I'm old and I don't have a job." -doug on the ladies

"This is upside down? THIS IS UPSIDE DOWN!!" -doug on mocking jill

"It come right up to us."
"Came."
"It come right up. I could have petted it."
"Pet it."
"PETTED IT."

"It is inbred in me."
"Ingrained."
"INBRED."

"I'm going loosey goosey, so I'm having more fun." -jill
"This tickles my tummy!" -mom

"Do you hear that thunder?" -mom
"That's the Tilt-a-Whirl." -jill

"This thing is held together with bubble gum! You can't live forever..." -doug's new best friend

"Are you making fun of me?" -mom

"I was just putting on a 2.5 multiplier." -doug on height

"This is horrible! I am not having fun!" -mom

(end of family visit...we will now be moving on to Trailer Trash Thin Man style, LT's bachelorette party and wedding, and life as "normal" for me.....you've been warned.)

"It just degenerates really quickly when there's words involved." -micah on games

"I have some tequilla because I've been hanging out with Mexicans." -nico

"I just tattooed half the MILFs on the Western Slope!" -brian

"Honey! Come watch me get a tattoo from this gay boy!" -random AARP tour busser

"I don't think I can handle any happiness right now." -kendra on chinese food

"I AM LEGEND is coming true." -darren on NYC
"Will Smith always brings the dope stuff." -marcus

"Apparently you've never been to a Diana Ross concert. You always have a back-up outfit." -marcus

"It's like IBS. But of the soul." -nils

"You look like a girl who can move some shit." -eric

"You see, my biggest goal is to eat a hot dog later in the evening." -LT on dinner

"The army surplus store in Pekin is real good if you like guns." -phil

"It might be my armpit swagger." -kevin

"It's her birthday. There are more cupcakes." -mat

"I love that you went balls first." -micah

"It softens up pretty quickly, but then it goes hard." -tarynn

"I wish I could carry a purse and not look gay." -tyler

"Were you just telling an enema story and I missed the whole thing???" -tarynn

"It's probably licensed." -jill on hot dog carts

"I didn't know he would be getting naked. But that's my fault." -kevin on charlie

"Weed and leather. That's my billboard." -marcus

"So I let him go right on thinking that I slept with his mom." -mat

"I don't like going through life with an agenda. It's like a job fair." -de la

"I'm curious to see your biorhythms." -brian

"It's not classic because it's 'a classic,' it's classic because it's classic."

My brother Doug and cousin Ryan are here from Illinois. Counting me and our Denver cousin Ian, there has been a week of 4 Bradfords together creating quoteblog magic. Not for the fainthearted or anyone with any tender sensibilities.

We played many hours of Catchphrase, hung out at St. Mark's and the Thin Man, went to a Rockies' game and the REI on the Platte River....that's the backdrop for the first set of gems.


"What I am doing now...is hard." -doug

"She knows all the black characters." -ian

"I don't know that much about Neptune, but I know it has 'tune' at the end of it. And Mars doesn't." -ian

"Play wood?" -ryan

"I don't have proper..." -doug
"FOOTWEAR!" -ryan

"What happens when Mars attacks and you don't have the internet?" -doug

"That's what I meant." -jill
"That's what you said." -doug
"And that's what I meant." -jill

"So even the black kids in Denver are hipsters." -doug

"There's a car coming. You probably can't hear it." -ian

"She is gonna be rocked." -doug

"They're stretch fabric." -ian on his shorts
"They're shop rags." -ryan

"Chics are of the essence."
"Look at the puppy in the truck!"

"There is a girl in the car. And she is your sister." -jill

"You might be the only person smoking a cigarette outside REI." -ian

"And that was before it was 90% dark." -doug

"Hey Doug, you got that foosball table together yet?" -ian

"I'm not a squirrel. Or a rabbit." -ryan

"I'm really sorry, guys. That should've been easy. But you are idiots." -ian

"How does it get dangerous? I will bang my sh&t to the right." -doug

"This is where Ryan Bradford needs to learn." -doug

"Denver gooder." -ryan

"There is mastering a skill and knowing when to use it." -doug



Sunday night we went up and camped outside of Glenwood Springs. There was a fire ban, so we wore our headlamps and entertained ourselves by playing dice games.
The boys insisted that we throw some thug poses. That's Ian in the middle and Doug on the right. We're pretty legit.


"Most people, when they're betting with rocks that they find in a driveway..."-ryan

"I'm not doing the Doug dance for nothing." -doug

"I can't wait to be there when you tell them how many rocks you won." -ryan

"IN COLORADO!" -ryan


We met our cousin Kelly, her boyfriend Jason (some of my earliest Denver posse) and their friends from California at the trailhead for Hanging Lake. It's a mile hike, virtually straight up, to this magnificent lake.


"Four Bradfords. Six idiots."



The view on the way up...

"Quicker to a cigarette! Quicker to a cigarette!" -ryan and doug
"There's no crying in hiking." -doug
"See you guys in 150 feet!" -ian
"Are you a hippie now?" -jason













Jill, Doug & Ryan under Spouting Rock



On the drive back to Denver, we decided to have our picnic lunch at Vail Pass. The sweet view and refreshing breeze prompted us to do some yoga. Well, Ian and I actually did yoga. Doug and Ryan just mocked us. It was pretty standard.


"So apparently living in the suburbs means you have grass in your yard."



"Don't drink beer when you're older."
"I always make statistics up. Period."





"Wait-who's Mike Bradford?"
"You and your dumb deaf ear!"


After the past few weeks I've had, with major trust issues shaking out and basically not feeling comfortable anywhere, it was super fantastic to have these boys here and just spend a week existing. That's good stuff right there.

"Trying to make sense of it is like trying to gather the river in your arms."

the absence of blogs (quote, book or otherwise) has many contributing factors. i've not really pondered whether or not to share with the internets what's been happening. the last few days it's become apparent that an outpouring is nearing inevitability. wait for it. and thanks for loving me.

"I'm on a chair! I'm on a chair! But I can't dance." -christie

"They're Scottish. Or maybe British. Well, they're not from Colorado."

"I have a super developed sense of stating the obvious." -john

"He ruined my chances of getting an account at Blockbuster." -nils

"That's what I get for being a nice Christian gay." -marcus

"Meadowlark gets his own day? I've known you for 8 years! I don't have my own day." -edubs

"Aside from your vocabulary, I'm not really sure what you have going for you." -stu

"Are there pants? Or are there short shorts?" -john

"Now I'm telling my two Thin Man friends. Well, Jill's my all-the-time friend." -LT

"When you go out with clean intentions, that's when fish jump in your boat." -john

"You know what I like: bacon and beer." -jill

"It's like wet Denver is floating by." -logan

"Either way, she put it in a box." -dicker

"That was a giant horse's penis squirting." -laura

"$2.50 PBR?! That sh^t better come in a can!" -micah

"This is Care Bear Halloween! This is CARE BEAR HALLOWEEN!!" -jill

"Old people should go home and leave me alone." -steve

"It looks like he's in the middle of a 'no rules' week." -JRe

"Just 'cuz Jesus and I don't see eye to eye doesn't mean we don't both have eyes." -john

"I'll be sausage slappin' down the street to save your a$$." -james

"That dude plus sports equals zero." -edubs

"It puts the lotion on its' back or else it gets my hose again." -jason

"Blacks are like redheads: there's no in between." -rod

"I like a little beer poop mix." -will

"I'm not even going to give you the "For instance," because it's bad." -dolo

"Don't let the leather fool you, he is a child." -dicker

"Maybe it's a competition to see who can read harder." -adrian

"All I got was blue balls. And it tasted good." -andrew

"No, I have a picture with him on facebook, I just don't remember his name." -kevin

"She tried to be incognito. But she was totally suspicious. She was incogspicious." -bj

"This is not awkward on three different levels." -zac

"Like a one-a-day vitamin regimen."

"I'm all Banked out." -Dolo

"Whatever. There are Carl's out there who need to be claimed!" -genny binder

"It's like a hobo playground out here. Babar's hobo jungle." -john wynne

"Watch out jeans!"

"Steroids will do you no good, dude. And they'll shrink your balls, too." -troy

"Anytime I go to a place that has a steak buffett...." -dicker

"And then I went to second base. And didn't run." -erin

"It smells better than hot pee." -jason

"Whoa. Whoa. I'm a faggot. I need to go. Away from you." -brian

"It's not because she's gay. It's because she's gross." -jaci

"He seems like a one trick pony. But I like his trick." -john wynne

"If I were a piece of cornbread, where would I hide?" -david

"I hate that he's here. And that you know him." -loren

"I walk around real quiet at night. Pleasure or pain. Where is it?" -drew

"You just dorked it." -batzer

"Black women drew the blueprints. White women are scared." -patty

"I have a scar on my soul. From cheese." -al

"Hey-can you guys drive an automatic?" -ryan

"Is there bacon stock in the soup? Because I like that." -hones

"Ok. But not two handfuls." -shannon

"If I was gay, I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating twinkies. Or crackers." -david

"What do the poverty-stricken have that I don't?"

my kid quotes may be waning, as i now nanny for a 4-month-old. however, the mother of said child is a doozy. i can't say we're cut from the same cloth entirely (she's a Republican...as in has a George W. Bush magnet on her refrigerator and has read his 2 biographies. what?), but our senses of humor line up quite nicely. so here we have the nora version of the quoteblog.

"Well, I hope you wore something low-cut and completely inappropriate." on interviews

"I'm a Republican, Jill; I'm not an idiot." -on palin

"It makes my eyes bleed." -on the huffington post

"I got day drunk. It's my favorite drunk." -on mother's day

"It's not cold enough to wear tights. Nor is it 1986, so pantyhose are out of the question."

"I already thought you were fantastic, but now I want to hump your leg."

"Is there a noun I can trust?"

"Can you just ask about transgendered individuals? Right now? Just for me?" -Zach

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not friends with blacks or gays." -Todd

"Please come talk to me. Unless you are a woman who struggles with alcoholism. Just a dis-claim-er!" -David

"Why does it always seem like a good idea before we do it?" -Conor

"Oh-three claps for a 91?" -LT

"...and that's how I got beat up in high school." -donread

"It's neard! He has a neck beard. He can't grow facial hair above his jawline! He's harmless." -Charlie

"Unless you bring your kids here, nobody knows." -Seth

"Well, Carmelo left. So there's only about three black people left. There's me, Champ Bailey and then one other dude who works at the food court in the mall."

"No. And stop that." -Leah

"Is it a little fat girl, or is it whatever 'chalupa' means?" -Drew

"He just doesn't know that sometimes there's no talking times." -LT

"Guaranteed. You can't play volleyball and not have a baby." -Yochim

"I thought there was some kind of pre-existing condition. Like health insurance." -Conor

"I think the reason that television was invented is that parades suck." -Todd

"So anything from Kathy goes into a Jazzercise folder."

"Look at you! You're from a Hanna Barbera cartoon. Expect him to get into the Mystery Machine." -John Wynne

"This is Colfax. Be Somebody."

"I don't do stand-up. I do sit down."

"It's like a college level sociology experiment in here." -LT

"What else do you need? Pretty boys and Taco Bell." -Edub

"OK; what do I do with this kid so that I don't break it?" -Sanjay

"Forsooth. And then you end it with depression." -Mike/Tim

"I have made a decision to be stupid and I'm stickin' to it!" -Flanders

"They're just a couple of Bubbas from Alabama." -Gary Wysocki

"It's like the difference between a fiddle and a banjo." -Gary on Indy

"Look at these technological bros with their f^ckin' faces." -Hanna

"I understand that there's a lot of anger going on down there-but I cut off my hand, I don't need a mop." -Randell

"I am the Bobby Fischer of Connect Four!" -John Wynne

"If my nuts blow up at this point, why would you care?" -Tom

"No, I've only seen his big ol' meat head." -Jess

"That's like asking Bambi to act like an a*^hole." -Alicia

"I'm afraid there might be snakes in my area." -JRe

"He has all of his teeth. That is surprising."

"But you don't really hear anything."-Kevin

"Oop-a little sprinkle just went down to join the cheese." -me on spills
"A little snack pack in your tit-kerchief." -Erin

"Jill saying anything out of context is hilarious-but 'boner-killing-tit-kerchief' might be the best." -Todd

"Yeah, well, a lot of people moved when your mother and I got married." -MB

"By golly, I've got to be alright. I must be alright." -Grandma

"Licorice slurpee, right?" -Flanders

"I could not turn them over any slower or leave them there any longer." -Duey

"I rather enjoy shoveling dirt into the faces of...well, women." -Adam

"You got a lot going on on your boots right there." -Doug

"Why do you have a button on your head?" -Mel

"I just realized how appropriate it is that my bosom is heaving in this dress." -me on the opera
"You want some booze?" -Keller, also on the opera
"I don't know opera, but I know my Cyndi." -Keller

"Do you want Jesus to be your personal savior or your personal trainer?" -John

"People love watching fat people do stuff." -Adam

"That's the first link in the chain on the way to my mongolism. MOGULism. I'm gonna be a mogul." -Adam

"It's all country and Jesus in here." -me on Galesburg

"I don't know if you remember, but they had rootbeer. That was their thing." -Nate on Oogie's

"I need some dirtiness in my life. Yolkey but not whitey." -Sarah on the Broadview

"Well, I can't really tell. You haven't taken that lifevest off all night." -Eddie Peters on my body

"Pretty much whatever you ate at The Broadview plus fart." -Adam

"I brainwash all the grandkids." -Mel

"I've got my Associates Degree. TWO OF EM!" -Dusti

"Our relationship is unhealthy. The most passionate ones are." -Erynn

"Does the hula hoop gene skip a generation?" -Cheri

"Are you militarily ready for this evening?" -Adam

"We can't be teammates. But we can still be friends." -Randell

"Primary colors! Anxiety lights! Something's wrong!!" -Zac

"So stealing his painting and not peeing on his bed is as adult as I can be about it."

(or the overheard at The Thin Man edition...random nights when I didn't have the book, but had my phone...)

"She wore these terry cloth jumpsuits and big boots. She was so JAP."

"Roll the dice and smell real nice."

"It's not a skull thing. It's a skin thing. It's my goal in life to create the most...it's like I was battling a troll in the 80s." -John

"When you've sown your oats, oats just aren't that tasty." -Chris

"I told you the paparazzi would be here. We need to go through the back." -a double entendre, Marcus

"Are we in Texas? Again? That's like putting all your eggs into a basket of red flags." -Zac

"Last resort for you. First resort for me. I'm a libertine. What can I say?" -Zac

"Black man. White snow. Dead."

"No, I'm not a musician. I'm just a dancer."

"I haven't sprinted since the 90s. I've had no reason to sprint." -Todd

"This is the kind of music that makes me think I can levitate." -David

"When are you gonna fall in love with this beauty? She keeps telling me it's a silly question, but if I had all the right puzzle pieces, I'd make her mine. " -Loren

For the hobo on the go....in Northwest Africa

(this post may be a bit premature time-wise, but the book is oversploding with goodness. [Be sure to skip down a few posts for Faceplant quotes] some solid hours-long conversations, both in person and via the phone, have really delivered. well, and game night with the usual suspects....)

"No, I don't play that. That's you peoples' game." -JRe (moment of silence)

"Yeah...that's a tuxedo onesie. 'Cuz he likes to party." -charlie/lester/horatio

"Oh really? Then why is your crotch glowing red, Jacob?" -jacob tighe

"Let me break it down for you: We are built the same, but we come with completely different user manuals." -jacob tighe

"I am a #%(&^ financial consultant and I work in a toy store." -bradley

"It's not Woody Allen funny." -lisa

"This sober thing is freaking me out." -kevin

"We don't need to know that John Henry is going to die at the beginning of the song." -lisa

"Jump jaw swagger. Bust ya'll's heads." -panera dude

"I usually like to be smoking. If I'm not eating. Or drinking." -boombalias

"It lost it's snazziness halfway through." -boombalias

"You greet people with this..."
"Golden shower!"
"Kevin, if that is how you greet people...."
"NO, I DO NOT WANT ANY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!!"

"I am not being a dick. You are being a vagina." -oh, married banter

"What kind of naked babies are you around?"

"Doo doo doooo and give God the glory glory...And look at my team."

"You get Jesus, I get books!"

"Cleaning the house never took so long!" -mdl on HASHrag/MarijuanaBroom/PotSwiffer

"Does everyone know that we're not playing charades?"

"How about you make bacon and open up all the windows today?!"

"My new thing is gonna be wearing men's pajamas."

As most of you know, I am enthralled with camp. I've been smitten since the age of 10. Last weekend I had the opportunity to be the "work crew boss" for Faceplant. Essentially, I got to hang out with 30-odd high school and college kids while we ran the kitchen and dining room for 400 middle schoolers. Yup, these amazing kids sacrificed their weekends to wake up before sunrise to serve little people. Humbling and fascinating.

So...camp. A chance to stop, to change, to rest, to retreat. The anomaly of camp is that it changes time--both compressing and expanding it. What seems like a day is a week, and vice versa. The relationships and experiences one has at camp are enduring and, usually, life-changing. There isn't so much pressure to be, to do, to achieve....blah blah blah. If you've been, you know. If you haven't, you should try it. Take it from this 34-year old: Life is too short to spend it hanging out with adults.

(I've listened to this a few times....so true.)
This American Life #109: Notes on Camp

As for Faceplant specifically, I've been going since 2004. Whether I'm slathering kids' faces with butter, sliding down icy sidewalks (or making them so with giant bowls of water), rocking out to the obnoxious "Party in the USA", or listening to 400 voices sing as one....it's always a good time. This year was a veritable cornocopia of quotables. Nicely done.

"We're just breezingg through naptime." -sophie

"It smells like butthole." -bkainz

"That was a pretty good Andy-girl laugh." -jill

"I'm crewin' all the time" -sarah jonathan zoolz

"It's not really inappropriate if you look at her face." -jill

"Can I see that? Because it's actually a scrub brush, not a broom. ...Hey, I found the scrub brush." -sarah jane

"Are you sure? Because it seems like you're laughing at me." -cameron

"So you would be familiar with the firmness, then." -nikita (insert a jill and sophie knowing glance)

"There's not even music for all the sound I'm producing right now!" -zane

"I don't know if anyone else has my same ding-dong." -sophie

"Well, I guess you're gonna have to get new friends." -bkainz

"Are you sure you're a Christian, man? You might want to send some missionaries to your face, because apparently it doesn't know." -zane

"I would say that I really like broccoli, but I don't." -tate

"Oh, so there's actually a book." -steve the video guy

"SAFARI PLANET!! That's the only thing I could think of to say." -tate

"You know you've reached a new plateau of group mediocrity when even a Canadian is alarmed by your lack of individuality."

"C'mon, no one showers in Denver. Plus, after a few beers showering is more fun anyways." -ryan kulp

"I never said I thought you were a bad listener. If you listened to me, you would know that." -stowe

"YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS!!" -nick fones

"I feel like I just got frankensenced and myrrhed!" -boombalias

"I'm more of a fall color, actually." -trent

"I've got some drinking to do today!" -my mom on Christmas

"Yeah, you get this, and I get Barbie catalogs." -hippity-hop on Victoria's Secret

"I'm just trying to keep the holidays happy." -doug

"I'm, like, fudged out. Bad." -ryan canier

"Oh, so you don't have the sex?" -my mother's pedicurist, to me, IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER

"This coming from Little Miss Play-Upon-the-Edges." -ben

"I'm waiting for you to be done whating." -also ben

"You could have some more caffeine, like Jill here. Look at her: she's tile bouncing." -still ben

"You know what, Jill? I've probably sat in your sex before." -maggie

"Well, at first I thought it was a pink elephant."
"Nah, they mow about 50 feet."
"I was just trying it out. It didn't work." -all gems from Mike Bradford

"Apparently PeePee is better now." -me

"OK. But I'm gonna stop wearing pants." -Don Read

"A little saccharine? That's how I got diabetes-from singing it twice." -howie on the Sound of Music

"You're looking for something sweet and fresh? Have you met Jill?" -stephen

"Does this look gay? Because I'm worried." -matt

"Well the hair only grows so long, but the loneliness." -laura

"I think bisexual exists, but you cheat on somebody." -micah

"Well, you're anticipating booze. Wow." -paul

"You look exhausted right now. Do you need an IV?" -erin

"I think we're just getting used to the crazy."

"All I really need are wifebeaters."
"So that's a yes to french fries, then?"
"I can figure out how to lick frosting out of a bag on my own, Erin!"
"I don't want to take your dreams away."
"Well, they're just waiting for Jimmy. They know he's here. They're shawshankin' it."
"Something is not right in the world: I am crafting and you are singing a Rod Stewart song!"
"Charlie Brown-he does it for me every time."
"Well cr cuus roo roo can kiss my pale white bleep because she's been to Thailand 3 times this year!"
(all of the above were stated by either me or Edubs in our kitchen on any random night.)

"Then we can all get into ker-kertz together." -Doug on travel plans

"Can we just back the truck up a bit? Erin has a job?" -Jess

"You probably shouldn't treat your parents badly, or steal their money, or be an asshole." -LT on 1 Timothy

"She has PTSD." -LT on pocket full of homies

"That's because your second language is mumbling." -BJ

"I'll have the Chef Special." -Julian

"You're definitely gay, you're straight and single, and you might be a lesbian. You seem like a free spirit. And, well, you're wearing orange pants." -Pete's waitress on our table

"I need you to never say that word again." -Jess on jeggings

"We're playing serious bowling over here in a second." -BJ

"That's what I get for talking to a bleepedy bleepin' Cubs fan right before I throw!" -Tom

"I plan events. Karla plans a life." -Micah

"No, Phill isn't running any gamut-Karla is lapping that track." -me

"If you ever need a lawyer who will do anything out of his basement, I've got a recommendation." -Faith

"It's kinda like a relationship-ups and downs. Sometimes you want to give it up because not every episode is pleasurable." -Laura

"Religious with the earth? Or religious with God?" -Jess

"What do you mean you don't know what Irish Spring soap is?! Don't you wash your balls?" -Gio on Walgreens

and the following were all overheard while watching the eclipse outside The Thin Man:

"Don't look directly at it." (seriously.)
"I have my sunglasses on just in case." (just as seriously.)
"You have about an hour and a half before it de-clipses."
"Am I the only one who did my research?"
"I was on the internet for 5 minutes and I know everything there is to know about the eclipse."
"I am loving hating you right now."
"Eclipse shots!"
"The internet has words."

"I do not doubt that you will say such a thing by the end of the evening."

"Pee! Bowl! Dance!" -Todd, me, Micah (respectively) on what I like to do in alleys

"Cowboy boots! Sweat pants! Cowboy boots!" -Micah

"I might be drunk, but I still use big words!" -LT

"I KNOW! Right?! Right?"

"That chic must be a sister wife. I don't even know what the eff that is." -Kevin on Dorothy

"Is this appropriate to show my nieces?" -Kevin on photos

"Well, what if they took the picture?"

"I mean, I hope I'm not an airhead. But sometimes I wonder if I should be thinking more." -LT

"I'm sorry, I don't serve that purpose in your life. Call an old girlfriend." -Walter on reliving the past

"Look around and find a hipster. Well, Jill's a hipster." -Robin on skinny jeans

"Cart him around, like an accessory." -Lizzie on artists

"'Cuz it's Friendsgiving." -Kevin on fashion choices

"It would be better warm. But I'm not gonna stop." -Laura on eating

"He sounded about as clear as our President." -LT on State of the Unions

It makes me look less bald, but makes me look more crazy.

"But not chickadees. I'm not sure....maybe because they're bouncy?" -steph on the irrational

"Eh-it's just her foot." -steph on 2nd grade injuries

"Look. Right under my big finger. Well, right under the biggest finger that I have." -me on pointing

"And his name is T-Y." -Erin on cute

"My lips itch!"
"I'm so tired!"
"My feet hurt!"
-Jill, Lindsay, and steph on cabrides

"Did anyone else see the pickin' and the diggin' and the eatin'?!" -Erin on neighbors
"Oh, I saw it." -cabbie on same

"Eat local. Steal your neighbor's apples." -Faith on property lines

"The delectable feminine fig." -Anne on harvesting
"You can make a great tart from a fig." -Claudia
"It's not a fig." -Faith on mendicino

"Sleep with a fan? Interested in a sex show? Need 3 blankets and 12 pillows? Every room has something to offer." -Erin on sleepovers at our house

"Once you hit 60, you can start wearing fruit on your pants." -LT on fashion

"That's what Lindsay Tighe says no matter when I see her. 10am? 'I want to go dancing.'" -Micah on legendary nights

"You just got the tip! Just the tip!" -Kevin on Nacho Libre thumbs

"Tall man's coming out!" -Chandra, also on digits

"It's almost too slippery for me." -Kevin on Burt's Bees

"Well, I just got out of the shower. We're trying to wrestle...rustle up...let's round up these cows! There were 136 cows. Yeah, we got like 30 of 'em." -Doug on pitch black farming

"At least you didn't live there. It could be worse." -Random show-goer (let's say Andrew) on Littleton

"Well, there's still time. We've got goods to offer." -me on striking Mumford tickets on CL

"Now, if I didn't ask questions about the things that you say, my perception of your life would be very different." -JRe poking a lamb's breast

"I don't know any kind of music that he makes." -JRe on Dr. Dre

"Well, the kind of music that Debbie listens to...I don't know any of those peoples' names. '...like airplanes in the night sky...I could really use a wish right now....'" -JRe on Alicia

"I'm pretty sure you have the same outfit, too." -Erin on Zack Galifianakis

"No, she thought she was bringing souls home." -Lizzie on the unawares

"You're the closest to the door. Batter up!" -Erin on leases

"It's constantly... I don't want to say, like herding cats. That's become cliche, but it's akin to that. Really, really naughty cats. That don't give a flip. And some of them have emotional problems and then some cats aren't very bright, and some are screaming and yelling all the time and there's some cats that are so bored they're crawling around in the corner and some of the cats are sitting really really still, but I don't have time to pay attention to them....And I'd like to buy another vowel." -Keller on 3rd graders (via voicemail, no less)

"Existential blad-y bloo. That's totally mine."

"You don't have any Boohbahs? How can you not have any Boohbahs? And now she has 2 Boohbahs?" -Smiley on bedtime

"You have the longest thumbs I've ever seen on anybody in my entire life." -Mel on Conkers

"Now I'm really confused. There's a cat and then there's the Shaggin' Wagon? These are 2 separate things?" -Edub on ridiculous porch situations

"I would eat off of this sidewalk before I would eat off of that carpet." -E on 2101

"And that's what's called the 'one more thing'."-JRe on bad days

"I gotta get my little finger back in." -JRe on Conkers

"There's a tater tot inside of you. How could that be a problem?" -Tony on The Atlantic

"...not as dry as you remember." -Nate Budde on tag lines

"Steal a cab-we'll never get pulled over again." -Sherwood on Wednesdays

"That is the greatest idea I've ever heard." -David Bradford on seriousness

"No way dude! How long have you been breakdancing?!"

"Oh, man....a couple days." -Random 'Hug the Right!' Knox hipsters

"Well, Jill, I got your water. It's down here at the end of the table. But it looks like you've got 2 balls to worry about." -David on the fooz

"That's what she said." -me, ftw

"I've gotta be honest. You have a crazy memory. But the only thing I remember from my time in Colorado is that 180 days." -David on differences

"That's like national news." -me on Blago

"No, that's like National Lampoon's." -MB

"So you're basically saying that geography is more important than people." -Tnads on Chicago

"Yeah, I never really understood riding bikes." -Amber on herself

"Look-he wears his pants just like you: super short, super tight, pin striped, carabiner with keys." -Erin on Poker Face

"Thank you for helping me relive my pain." -Richard on Poker Face

"Nope. Stop it. You cannot talk during his performance. I'm waiting for him to shake his tiny little man hips." -Erin, still on Poker Face

"I'm just not sure if he's pervy-sketchy-crazy or I-really-like-my-van-quirky." -Edubs on T-Y

"Then he reached the hill and the little dogs were zoop-zoop-zoop...so he gave them a courtesy pedal." -Erin on the bike Marshall

"It'll sound egotistical coming from me, but you're legit." -Chunky on Wyclef

"I just need cute neighbor boy to come on home." -me on Bud

"Why do I always feel like I'm missing the joke or the story with you?" -Erin

"Well, thank goodness for Barnes & Noble." -JRe on garage sales

"Note to self: no melted dairy products near the nasal passages when there may be ninja kicking and party-boying." -me on the inevitable

"I need more cars to high-five." -Edubs on 13th

"You might not have noticed me, but I was there. I saw you touch yourself. Several times, Jill." -Tony on karaoke

"Oh, he can hear me."

"I think it was, like, the end of creation and God was like, 'Let's stick parts of these 3 animals together.' Front-back-middle-Platypus!" -JRe on water mammals

"At least I have my modesty panel. No one wants to see 61-year-old boobs."-Mom Keller on wedding attire

"Let's be honest: people like you." -Jessica on job interviews

"You know you like to crush the nutballs." -Dave on Camels

"Yeah, my name's Josh. Look at my shoes, of course my name is Josh." -Riley on Wrouley

"Richard Tate. I went to school with him." -Joe on Lil' Rascal jokes

"There are so many reasons why we are not doctors." -Jess on forceps/triceps

"Yeah, they usually have convenience stores in city parks. 7-11, probably." -Mel on water

"Skinny jeans. Bigger man." -LT on hipster rollerblading

"Are you calling me on purpose?" -Manderson on Monday afternoon randomness

"Maybe he doesn't believe what he sees." -Mel on flirtatious eye contact

Just a friendly reminder: Punctuation exists and can be your friend.

Possibly the quickest turnaround for the quote blog...but Maggie came to town for our birthdays and the Cubs series, so most of these come from the walk to Coors Field, the stands, the Rockpile, or driving down Colfax in my trusty '96 Honda. As I drove home last night, the corner of 22nd & Blake seemed mighty different.

"Tanks for Jesus? That's our new band name." -JRe on my mumbly singing

"Arthur Ashe? I'm pretty sure that's a tennis player." -Jess on the Hash twins
"And he's black." -Jill

"In my mind, it's pretty straight. And it also looks like a pig." -Jessica on the US/Canadian border
(insert my bewildered & incredulous facial expressions)
"I'm sorry, did I say that out loud? I've never told anyone that I thought that." -Jess

"No, you mean you're different." -Maggie on judging

"I'm gonna be straight up with you. I know more about the world than he does." -a Beekman truth joke

"I'm just looking for some guud times." -Maggie on team loyalty (how dare she?)

"It's like a beat up FORD..." -Maggie on my ill-working power locks
"It's a Honda and you know that." -me

"Well, it's got to be some kind of conviction. Religious or prison, it's something." -Maggie on life choices

"There are radishes and there are nipples." -Rachel Lee on madlibs

"This gentleman getting into this cab right here just came up with the greatest porn site ever: White Belt Black Ass." -AndrewN (yup, i saw him again)

"Get off my nuts about the water." -Maggie on hydration

"I'll punch her. I'll boob punch her. Because I'm allowed to." -Micah on sisters

"Do you want me to go over there and take care of those lesbians with the horn?" -me on the viivvvvooosoccer things

"See. Butt sex. Not that bad." -Micah on OCD

"Super sweet goat....what's that about?" -Lowedown on texts

"People from Illinois-we're all assholes." -Jaci on the 309 (holler. i'll claim it.)

"How long will British Jill be with us?" -Maggie on annoyance

"I'd take some undercarriage. Right now it's all crotch." -Micah on 92 degrees and metal

"Here's the thing: That's something I don't care about." -JRe on innings

"Unacceptable. UN-Acceptable! UNACCEPTABLE!" -Micah on Cubs fans & Steve Goodman

"If there's one thing I've learned, you take a knee when a player gets hurt.!" -Micah on Fowler

"You can't talk that loud. This thing goes way back." -Jim on Micah's rage

"Better than no boyfriend at all. Of all the guys you had to pick." -Maggie on TYB & CFU

"I go home every 4 months. For beer." -new friend Krista on New Glarus

"After 34 years, you'd think I wouldn't be so surprised by this." -me on game 3
"That you lost?" -Micah
"Now, how it makes me feel."

"If something feel good, go ahead and indulge." -Kari on wobbly extension