"You know you've reached a new plateau of group mediocrity when even a Canadian is alarmed by your lack of individuality."

"C'mon, no one showers in Denver. Plus, after a few beers showering is more fun anyways." -ryan kulp

"I never said I thought you were a bad listener. If you listened to me, you would know that." -stowe

"YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS!!" -nick fones

"I feel like I just got frankensenced and myrrhed!" -boombalias

"I'm more of a fall color, actually." -trent

"I've got some drinking to do today!" -my mom on Christmas

"Yeah, you get this, and I get Barbie catalogs." -hippity-hop on Victoria's Secret

"I'm just trying to keep the holidays happy." -doug

"I'm, like, fudged out. Bad." -ryan canier

"Oh, so you don't have the sex?" -my mother's pedicurist, to me, IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER

"This coming from Little Miss Play-Upon-the-Edges." -ben

"I'm waiting for you to be done whating." -also ben

"You could have some more caffeine, like Jill here. Look at her: she's tile bouncing." -still ben

"You know what, Jill? I've probably sat in your sex before." -maggie

"Well, at first I thought it was a pink elephant."
"Nah, they mow about 50 feet."
"I was just trying it out. It didn't work." -all gems from Mike Bradford

"Apparently PeePee is better now." -me

"OK. But I'm gonna stop wearing pants." -Don Read

"A little saccharine? That's how I got diabetes-from singing it twice." -howie on the Sound of Music

"You're looking for something sweet and fresh? Have you met Jill?" -stephen

"Does this look gay? Because I'm worried." -matt

"Well the hair only grows so long, but the loneliness." -laura

"I think bisexual exists, but you cheat on somebody." -micah

"Well, you're anticipating booze. Wow." -paul

"You look exhausted right now. Do you need an IV?" -erin