"I think we're just getting used to the crazy."

"All I really need are wifebeaters."
"So that's a yes to french fries, then?"
"I can figure out how to lick frosting out of a bag on my own, Erin!"
"I don't want to take your dreams away."
"Well, they're just waiting for Jimmy. They know he's here. They're shawshankin' it."
"Something is not right in the world: I am crafting and you are singing a Rod Stewart song!"
"Charlie Brown-he does it for me every time."
"Well cr cuus roo roo can kiss my pale white bleep because she's been to Thailand 3 times this year!"
(all of the above were stated by either me or Edubs in our kitchen on any random night.)

"Then we can all get into ker-kertz together." -Doug on travel plans

"Can we just back the truck up a bit? Erin has a job?" -Jess

"You probably shouldn't treat your parents badly, or steal their money, or be an asshole." -LT on 1 Timothy

"She has PTSD." -LT on pocket full of homies

"That's because your second language is mumbling." -BJ

"I'll have the Chef Special." -Julian

"You're definitely gay, you're straight and single, and you might be a lesbian. You seem like a free spirit. And, well, you're wearing orange pants." -Pete's waitress on our table

"I need you to never say that word again." -Jess on jeggings

"We're playing serious bowling over here in a second." -BJ

"That's what I get for talking to a bleepedy bleepin' Cubs fan right before I throw!" -Tom

"I plan events. Karla plans a life." -Micah

"No, Phill isn't running any gamut-Karla is lapping that track." -me

"If you ever need a lawyer who will do anything out of his basement, I've got a recommendation." -Faith

"It's kinda like a relationship-ups and downs. Sometimes you want to give it up because not every episode is pleasurable." -Laura

"Religious with the earth? Or religious with God?" -Jess

"What do you mean you don't know what Irish Spring soap is?! Don't you wash your balls?" -Gio on Walgreens

and the following were all overheard while watching the eclipse outside The Thin Man:

"Don't look directly at it." (seriously.)
"I have my sunglasses on just in case." (just as seriously.)
"You have about an hour and a half before it de-clipses."
"Am I the only one who did my research?"
"I was on the internet for 5 minutes and I know everything there is to know about the eclipse."
"I am loving hating you right now."
"Eclipse shots!"
"The internet has words."

"It was just like a usual day except there was more food."

"I thought he died on a Tuesday, actually." -Jacob on MLK

"How much boys, other than your relatives, have you kissed?"

"Elizabeth is more of a fashion-style girl name."

"I'm such a nitwit."
"Oh, you're not a niblet."

"I used to have two teeth that were loose. Now I only have one. Because I brushed 'em good."

"I'd just get him a water."

"What do you want for Christmas?"
"I don't really ask for anything anymore. Christmas is mostly about being with my family."
"No, that's what Thanksgiving is about. That's what I call it."

"It's time to drink drink and smoke smoke 'cuz we gots to go go."

the title quote comes from "muh brother dug" circa 1998. john fischer, landmark, coffee. yes.

here are three bands to which i've recently been introduced and quickly become enamored by....

Dear Nora, found courtesy of Radio1190:

then Owen, courtesy of emily at St. Mark's:





lastly, Ben Weaver, courtesy of the impeccable taste of Ryan Kulp:

I never knew that Charlie Brown could change a person's entire personality.

• I really don't like Jack Johnson.
• When I watch movies of people walking around NYC, just exploring, sitting in coffee shops, sitting in parks...I get inspired to go there, to do that. But when I do it in Denver (nearly a daily occurrence), I just feel lazy and guilty. I miss Chicago lately. When I made my plans to go home for the holidays, I felt ok not including it in my trip. Now I miss it immensely.
• It's crazy to me that if you ask someone for directions here, they will most likely have no idea what to tell you. Streets don't run through. Unless you're in the city, you'll get a response similar to, "I'm from up north." What? Denver isn't that big. Chicago is...and if you ask most people anywhere, suburbs or not, they'll be able to tell you.
• I can't decide if I should cut my hair again or start growing it out.
• Lately, I've realized that I used to write things of substance. Perhaps I'll visit my old blog, import them here and find some inspiration.
• No matter where you are in Denver metro, you have a stunning and separately new view of the mountains. I love that.
• There are squirrels living in the wall at the head of my bed. My neighbor told me months ago that he can look out his window and see the spot where they get into the eaves, and that he watches them. I didn't think anything of it. Now that it gets colder at night, they are scurrying (that's a delicate word for what they do) about and it TERRIFIES me.
• Today I'm wearing a short-sleeved dress. It's still 60 here. In 2 weeks I'll be in Illinois. Not ready for that (my winter coats are still in a box in the basement) quite yet. When I talked to Zane yesterday, he said the words seven degrees, snow, and ice. Yikes. I looked at the 10-day forecast just now. For Monday? Denver: 62; Galesburg: 11. I can feel my nose hairs freezing already.

"Gray her dad today, but she was at the mother with her mom."

If I was a dude, I think it'd be cool to be a lawyer. Not necessarily for the work, but so that when I introduced myself I could say "Esquire" after my name. Like, "Tom McMahon, Esquire."

Being a lady lawyer, though, the introduction doesn't sound as impressive. "Regina Philange, Lady Esquire." That just sounds like a solicitation.

"I do not doubt that you will say such a thing by the end of the evening."

"Pee! Bowl! Dance!" -Todd, me, Micah (respectively) on what I like to do in alleys

"Cowboy boots! Sweat pants! Cowboy boots!" -Micah

"I might be drunk, but I still use big words!" -LT

"I KNOW! Right?! Right?"

"That chic must be a sister wife. I don't even know what the eff that is." -Kevin on Dorothy

"Is this appropriate to show my nieces?" -Kevin on photos

"Well, what if they took the picture?"

"I mean, I hope I'm not an airhead. But sometimes I wonder if I should be thinking more." -LT

"I'm sorry, I don't serve that purpose in your life. Call an old girlfriend." -Walter on reliving the past

"Look around and find a hipster. Well, Jill's a hipster." -Robin on skinny jeans

"Cart him around, like an accessory." -Lizzie on artists

"'Cuz it's Friendsgiving." -Kevin on fashion choices

"It would be better warm. But I'm not gonna stop." -Laura on eating

"He sounded about as clear as our President." -LT on State of the Unions

"We're here to help each other through this. Whatever it is."

When I wrote this, I was speaking very much about other people. Today I'm going to do something I rarely do...write about me. A few weeks ago, I was maintaining. Currently, I am not.

The last few weeks have been rough, health-wise. Another rarely broached topic. In short, I've felt miserable and have been in pain. New pain...in different places...sleeping 14 hours at a time pain. When I saw my chiropractor earlier last week and actually shared (honestly) with him how I was feeling, he asked some pretty pointed questions. We'll get to that. But he also told me to cut out caffeine and sugar. And told me to stop skateboarding.

Let's get this straight: I've gone cold turkey on both caffeine and sugar before. I can do it. At this point in my life, however, americanos and ice cream are two addictions that I cling to and rightfully claim. They are two things that, healthy or not, I run to for comfort...and partially for survival. Grr. Skateboarding? One of the rare instances where I can exercise some sort of control over my physicality, as well as mentally distract myself from all else.

Lest this become a purely angry rant or pity party for things that aren't soon to disappear, I'll move on to the pointed questions. He asked me what I was hiding from. Goosh. Then he told me (he didn't have to ask) why I wasn't accepting all of the peace that GOD offers me, and instructed me to allow more love and life into myself. Easy enough. I'll just have the butler run to the hot air balloon and grab the reserves. Know that I am unable to cast sarcasm aside, try as I might.

I walked around for my requisite 15 minutes of rehab and weights after my adjustment completely lost. How do I allow myself more love and life, when I'm struggling to know what those things even are? Notice I'll be absolutely circumventing the question of hiding. Although after thinking about that for a few days, it came back. Today. In the unlikeliest of places.

Back up a few months. As I was driving back to Denver from Illinois over Labor Day, I first realized this absence of any true knowledge of love. I put on a cd wrought with emotion and connectedness in effort to draw either from myself. Smacked upside the face with the overwhelming sense that a giant piece of the puzzle was not there. While having a full intellectual understanding of unconditional love, I have never truly believed in being worthy of that myself. Wowza. To date, I've only shared that with 2 people-and then still in the stages of tentativeness.

Today I took a walk with a guy I just met a few weeks earlier. We met, at random, to go see The National play in the middle of October. Sharing a string of emails and then a couple of hours filled with great conversation and a fantastic show, we had no shortage of things to discuss. However, he's only in town for a brief bit, visiting before leaving for a indeterminate trip to India.

As we walk today, there was little risk involved in our talk. Barely knowing each other and doubtful to see one another again, questions were brazenly posed and answered with abandon. When it came to these matters of spirituality and love, I was captured unaware with that terrifying catch in my throat. Then it just came out. Here is this virtual stranger, asking just the right questions. And I couldn't hide.

Last night the roommates and I had a discussion besmirching the whole of 2010. Given that I know a number of folks ready to see its termination, I know this is nothing new: but I am ready for it to scoot on out. For me, this year has been rife with the almost. Coulda shoulda wouldas at every turn. Not necessarily failings, just an approximation of things that pretty much nearly just about worked out. Jobs, relationships, realizations....

So as this year closes in, I am armed with an arsenal of things to ponder; there is a struggle unfolding that I'm finally naming and admitting. I've begun to have hope; I know that opening up is the only way out. That enlightenment will be painful, though it is inevitably to be shared, in order to release myself of that injury.

Twenty-ten will soon be making tracks. If it's found not bolting fast enough, I'll ninja kick it on the way out the door. Plus, I'm in a knife gang. I'll cut it.

"Little guy old, little guy old..."

"I used to think naps were babyish. Now I think naps are good, because you get to sleep in the middle of the day!"

"You kinda look like a rock star in those. Yeah, you look really good in those socks. Like a rockstar. And your hair a little. On the skateboard. Or not riding the skateboard."

"Um, I don't know. Maybe kids playing outside. Or dog poop."

"My grandma and grandpa always speak Spanish, and my parents do sometimes. But I only do a little bit. Because when I was born, they knew I would come out speaking English."

"Your mom has a pretty dog. She must be kinda lucky."

"You know how to say 'corn dog' in Spanish? Corn dog. You know how to say 'hot dog' in Spanish? Hot dog."

"I am not. plain. four."

"Mostly I like to hug my mom because she's warm and she's nice to me."

It makes me look less bald, but makes me look more crazy.

"But not chickadees. I'm not sure....maybe because they're bouncy?" -steph on the irrational

"Eh-it's just her foot." -steph on 2nd grade injuries

"Look. Right under my big finger. Well, right under the biggest finger that I have." -me on pointing

"And his name is T-Y." -Erin on cute

"My lips itch!"
"I'm so tired!"
"My feet hurt!"
-Jill, Lindsay, and steph on cabrides

"Did anyone else see the pickin' and the diggin' and the eatin'?!" -Erin on neighbors
"Oh, I saw it." -cabbie on same

"Eat local. Steal your neighbor's apples." -Faith on property lines

"The delectable feminine fig." -Anne on harvesting
"You can make a great tart from a fig." -Claudia
"It's not a fig." -Faith on mendicino

"Sleep with a fan? Interested in a sex show? Need 3 blankets and 12 pillows? Every room has something to offer." -Erin on sleepovers at our house

"Once you hit 60, you can start wearing fruit on your pants." -LT on fashion

"That's what Lindsay Tighe says no matter when I see her. 10am? 'I want to go dancing.'" -Micah on legendary nights

"You just got the tip! Just the tip!" -Kevin on Nacho Libre thumbs

"Tall man's coming out!" -Chandra, also on digits

"It's almost too slippery for me." -Kevin on Burt's Bees

"Well, I just got out of the shower. We're trying to wrestle...rustle up...let's round up these cows! There were 136 cows. Yeah, we got like 30 of 'em." -Doug on pitch black farming

"At least you didn't live there. It could be worse." -Random show-goer (let's say Andrew) on Littleton

"Well, there's still time. We've got goods to offer." -me on striking Mumford tickets on CL

"Now, if I didn't ask questions about the things that you say, my perception of your life would be very different." -JRe poking a lamb's breast

"I don't know any kind of music that he makes." -JRe on Dr. Dre

"Well, the kind of music that Debbie listens to...I don't know any of those peoples' names. '...like airplanes in the night sky...I could really use a wish right now....'" -JRe on Alicia

"I'm pretty sure you have the same outfit, too." -Erin on Zack Galifianakis

"No, she thought she was bringing souls home." -Lizzie on the unawares

"You're the closest to the door. Batter up!" -Erin on leases

"It's constantly... I don't want to say, like herding cats. That's become cliche, but it's akin to that. Really, really naughty cats. That don't give a flip. And some of them have emotional problems and then some cats aren't very bright, and some are screaming and yelling all the time and there's some cats that are so bored they're crawling around in the corner and some of the cats are sitting really really still, but I don't have time to pay attention to them....And I'd like to buy another vowel." -Keller on 3rd graders (via voicemail, no less)

"Now my llama nama do; My llama, llama nama see me!"

turns out, the best night of the summer happened on the first friday of fall. it was ridiculous. it was unexpected. it was legen....

erin went to the rockies' game with seth & crew. jRe drove the rest of us downtown. we walked through Oktoberfest and headed to the back patio at The Gin Mill. it was the usual frat-tastically db crowd (friday night after a game? check.), so we didn't stay long. but enough time to meet some winners (ryan was a regular visitor to our circle) and snap some photos. somehow big bar o' man chocolate and his friends, or jess & chelsa aren't in any of them. boo.

this random fabulous girl with fierce accessorizing skills directed a few group shots. i'm not really sure what we were going for...

cute?

per the ushe, LT's got that on lock.

the rest of us are doing a respectable job.

gold stars all around.

um, sassy, anyone?

everyone but erin has the exact same expression.

(and the girl in the background kinda looks like corwin.)

super nasty sassy? bryn didn't even try. but i'm glad our PBR half-cowboys made it in.

bryn & i might be dancing at this point. steph might be trying to play CONKERS! with me.

after that bidness, we walked down to market street to find us a dance floor. well, let's be honest. we stopped for hot dogs first. they had awesome shirts. check out creeper in the back.

whoop-there he is again. creeper. "Who's hand is that?!"

after the hot dogs, it became a hot mess. the best kind. highlights included a veritable 1st & wads reunion (i saw spencer and matthew browntown!), 2 hours of hardcore dancing with dudes who didn't speak english, ms. pac-man at 2-Fisted Mario's, & a 3 am cabride....all concluding at our place with the hiccups.

this was the kind of night where i stopped several times just to look around at some of my best friends truly enjoying life. to the full. nutballs. giant fans, sticky floors, broken dartboards... wait for it....dary.

"When my heart draws close to the close of autumn, Your love, Your love...abounds."

as i wrote a bit ago about being grown up enough to truly deal with life alongside people who are having a rough go of it, i attempted to describe this to a friend via text conversation. i doubt i can any better verbalize it through typing a blog, so i'll just copy a few of the text messages here.

the last few days have made the arrival of fall painfully obvious. in both the weather and season of life.

that (this) is true for me. and those around me. hard to succinctly express.

i'm not quite embracing it, but living in it. truly. allowing time to be.

practicing the things i've never lived out before...hard stuff, but it feels right.

i've never liked fall. i've long had friends who have fully relished the coming of change, the ideas of nature mirroring the experiences of our lives. the metaphorical dying to self to allow room for growth and the horizon being full of rebirth. myself, i'd rather everything stay green and lush.

this year, however, has been slightly skewed. as i was taking a walk the other night, i listened to the few leaves that have started to fall as they crunched beneath my footfall. i was, dare i say, excited by the anticipation of what that would sound like. i waited for it. thrilled, even, to be sitting in wait. enjoying the moment, but also surrendering to the possibility of the good that could come from this season.

it's not an easy time for anyone that i've had conversations with these past few weeks. heartbreak abounds. but there is a comfort in knowing that this community will see it through together. that there isn't a silent struggle going on for each individual, but that our lives are interwoven enough to share the harsh realities of what life is handing us.

reading some dorothy parker the other night, i found these quotes apropos...

"We've got better things to think about. Well, we know we're going to be happy. Don't we?"

"There was a silence with things going on inside it."

"C'mon, keep it going...If you love me then I'll love you back."

(shout out to lish: the blog title is a lyric, and it applies! even if the song is actually some nasty 90s rap...it really does apply, just not in that context. thankyoudrivethru.)

this post is coming at you MDL "cheerios" style. i believe that if i always blogged this way, i'd post waaay (with 3 a's) more frequently. face facts: jill can tell a story. and jill can give some details. banal minutiae? read on.

• paul simon has the uncanny ability to always solicit a mood from me. all sorts of them. me likey. funny...i almost listened to Bridge Over Troubled Water last night, skipped it in favor of Science Partner. then Graceland was on at St. Mark's this afternoon. oh, paul.


• given that i was a math major, i've recently discovered that a 45% spanish speaking population is nowhere near as intimidating as a 92% spanish speaking population. as my little buddy skippyjon would say, "HOLY GUACAMOLE!" students in grades K-3 have the choice of English or Spanish language instruction, so it's intense to have over half of the students NOT be able to understand what you say to them. needless to say, my intermediate skill is proving useful....but, holy frijoles, doodlepaws! i shall be enrolling in some professional development courses to increase my fluency.

• my new school is near The Breakfast King. i'm hoping to convince the novo pharisees to meet there early one day this week. every experience i've had there has been phenomenal. today i was fondly remembering a visit there. tnads, KBX, edubs, gabe & i had been at a show at the gothic. i believe it was Born in the Flood and Meese? definitely Nathan & Stephen. i didn't like them yet. we had seen scott brabson & ian knox there. wearing red stocking caps a la Steve Zissou. after the show the 5 of us crammed into my car and headed up broadway for some Breakfast King....picture it: huddled in a roundish-rectangular booth, surrounded by cheese and grease (both the entrees and the company), quoting random will ferrell. suck it, trebek!, kicking and screaming, harry caray...to the max! a magical night, indeed.


• laundry. ugh. i've not done any since i was back home in illinois over labor day. ugh again. since moving to the new place, it's never been a problem to find the machines open. the past 2 days, there's been a backlog of baskets waiting. what? someone had a bona fide little mermaid outfit on a drying rack down there yesterday. for a minute i thought micah was still one of my roommates. weird. considering that the laundry has considerate of your neighbors hours of 10am-10pm, and my standard hours of operation are 10pm-2am, this may be a problem.


• it seems to be autumn for everyone....this one may not be a bullet point, but turn into an actual meaty entry. basically, i do not know anyone who is not trudging through some serious stuff right now. not your basic "I'm-stressed-out-life-is-rough-I'm-so-depressed" kind of stuff, either. divorce, miscarriage, moving, adultery, chronic and terminal illness. make or break you deals. i was talking with my friend eric the other day, and it's obvious that this becomes difficult for those of us who aren't experiencing this because we are invested in the lives of those who are. if we love like we profess, want to truly walk out what we claim to believe, to hold dear...then we must walk along the pain, even when we have nothing to say, to add, to pick up....it's oddly freeing to be in this place of constrictions. i don't feel like we're grown-up enough to have to be dealing with these issues, but perhaps it's that we're finally grown-up enough to deal with them.


• my car will never be clean. this may seem a bit of an obvious conclusion for those of you who've attempted to ride in my car...well, ever...but i actually washed and cleaned it out this weekend. and it is still disgusting. given my daily commutes and the hours i spend in the trusty civic, i've resigned myself to no longer even operating under the pretense that i intend to change it.


• i've been missing my long hair this week. it took 6 months, but i do. however, i think i'll do the hawk one more time before i grow it out to donate again.


• the past 2 weeks have found me making regular trips to Second Spin or Twist & Shout to look for music. i've dropped nearly $40 each time. mostly replacing what was stolen, but some recent stuff. i'm currently (and very newly) infatuated with The National. they'll be playing in denver on the 18th, if you're interested...holler. other listenings on heavy rotations: william fitzsimmons, bonnie "prince" billy, architecture in helsinki, eels, paper bird, and magnetic fields.
  


• i ate ice cream for lunch. seriously. oh, you weren't questioning me, were you? don't worry, for dessert i headed to st. mark's for an americano. keepin' it healthy on the regular.


• lunchtime found me listening to the back in the day cafe....and it was guud. it took me to Kansas City with my dad yelling random names out the driver's window. then to the beaches of Florida in the back of the '90 Caravan with Fresh...."I've been known to cut a rug." and my midwestern parents response: "You kids are going to get us shot!"

if you're way into these lists, check out some older posts that i'd saved as drafts for a hot minute. they're here and here.

"Yabba Dabba! Yabba Dabba stinky feet!"

Being that I wasn't around kids much for 3 weeks in August, the pickings are slim. I've just finished 2 weeks of subbing in a contained Challenge Lab, so while there were many things to laugh at, I'm not comfortable posting many of the direct quotes. There's a near promise of hilarity ensuing with my next school adventure, so brace yourself for next month.

"I think the Hunk is kinda babyish." -Jacob, 3rd

"It used to be way worse." -Jacob on a new scar

"Yeah, I can tell. It looks like it was a big scab." -me

"No-I mean it used to be bleeding." -Jacob

"Yeah-I can't argue with my parents for 30 days. AND I have to use my manners. I'm on day 12." -random kid on the playground

"You are a piece of crap." -Josh, 7th

"What did you just say?" -myself and another teacher, simultaneously

"You are a pizza breadstick." -Josh on the rebound

"Existential blad-y bloo. That's totally mine."

"You don't have any Boohbahs? How can you not have any Boohbahs? And now she has 2 Boohbahs?" -Smiley on bedtime

"You have the longest thumbs I've ever seen on anybody in my entire life." -Mel on Conkers

"Now I'm really confused. There's a cat and then there's the Shaggin' Wagon? These are 2 separate things?" -Edub on ridiculous porch situations

"I would eat off of this sidewalk before I would eat off of that carpet." -E on 2101

"And that's what's called the 'one more thing'."-JRe on bad days

"I gotta get my little finger back in." -JRe on Conkers

"There's a tater tot inside of you. How could that be a problem?" -Tony on The Atlantic

"...not as dry as you remember." -Nate Budde on tag lines

"Steal a cab-we'll never get pulled over again." -Sherwood on Wednesdays

"That is the greatest idea I've ever heard." -David Bradford on seriousness

"No way dude! How long have you been breakdancing?!"

"Oh, man....a couple days." -Random 'Hug the Right!' Knox hipsters

"Well, Jill, I got your water. It's down here at the end of the table. But it looks like you've got 2 balls to worry about." -David on the fooz

"That's what she said." -me, ftw

"I've gotta be honest. You have a crazy memory. But the only thing I remember from my time in Colorado is that 180 days." -David on differences

"That's like national news." -me on Blago

"No, that's like National Lampoon's." -MB

"So you're basically saying that geography is more important than people." -Tnads on Chicago

"Yeah, I never really understood riding bikes." -Amber on herself

"Look-he wears his pants just like you: super short, super tight, pin striped, carabiner with keys." -Erin on Poker Face

"Thank you for helping me relive my pain." -Richard on Poker Face

"Nope. Stop it. You cannot talk during his performance. I'm waiting for him to shake his tiny little man hips." -Erin, still on Poker Face

"I'm just not sure if he's pervy-sketchy-crazy or I-really-like-my-van-quirky." -Edubs on T-Y

"Then he reached the hill and the little dogs were zoop-zoop-zoop...so he gave them a courtesy pedal." -Erin on the bike Marshall

"It'll sound egotistical coming from me, but you're legit." -Chunky on Wyclef

"I just need cute neighbor boy to come on home." -me on Bud

"Why do I always feel like I'm missing the joke or the story with you?" -Erin

"Well, thank goodness for Barnes & Noble." -JRe on garage sales

"Note to self: no melted dairy products near the nasal passages when there may be ninja kicking and party-boying." -me on the inevitable

"I need more cars to high-five." -Edubs on 13th

"You might not have noticed me, but I was there. I saw you touch yourself. Several times, Jill." -Tony on karaoke

Martyrs and Thieves

if you wanted to listen to the lyrics i've posted in the entry below, this one is quite nice. notice the lovely Amy Courts harmonizing. she's pretty. and special. pretty special, really.

"Thou mine inheritance now and always...Thou and Thou only, first in my heart."

The last few weeks have been rough. Sunday before last I was in the thick of what I've come to call "maintaining" after three hectic weeks of uncertainty.

Blended with family and out of town visitors, all of it added up to Jill not getting enough alone time. I spent so many weeks compressing that I wasn't sure what would happen once I had the time to expand and travel unbridled (let alone sit) with my thoughts. In all honesty, I still don't.

What I do know is that I've spent many hours in the car with music. Generally, it's unlikely that I'll listen to the same stuff within the same week, let alone the same day. The past 4 days I've had the same handful of artists and albums on repeat: both in my head and through the speakers. Whether it's my own attempt at self-preservation and comfort, or my own self-destruction putting salve on open wounds...not sure. Definite toss-up. But there are 2 songs, specifically, that ring with an intensity that shouldn't be ignored. So I'mma share a bit in hopes that you'll need this, that you'll hear it, that you'll use it...however that happens.

SO....2 Sundays back. My parents had just left town, I had been frantically trying to rearrange my physical life with 2 days of garage sale and failed attempts at organizing my new living space. I've been "dating" a new church, hadn't been in engaged in bona fide (larger) community for a few. Constant struggles for me: to engage and to be on time. This particular day was no different, so I'm hoping to make the last set of music Sunday night to say goodbye to the biker boys before they were off to Kansas for the school year. While I missed the boys, I did engage. In a completely unexpected way.

There were 4 songs played. The first 2 I'd never heard. But incredibly moving lyrics about coming home, going against the tide and being broken and then renewed by what you've always known. Third song starts. I sit against the wall in the back and simply listen.

It was honesty time. My prayer was earnest and my prayer was tied up in so much confusion, I didn't pull any punches. Simple language. "The word we study should be the word we pray." So I started with Mark 9:24, "I believe. Help my disbelief." Fairly simple, and I've been focusing on this verse for virtually all summer. With my analytical tendencies, it comes up often.

My honesty time became very blunt after that. I'm not one to press God or pray super specifically for myself, so it was an uncomfortable place to be. For about 3 seconds. Then it just came out. Essentially, I asked simply that GOD would make it clear if I needed to deal with my head or my heart first.

"Hey God, which thing do you want me to get right here?" (obviously, the answer is head. work out all of the ways that you can box me up, jill. that's what i want. i'd like you to try to figure me out. ) "God, I don't even know where home is anymore. How can I logically negotiate that?"

Cue the final song. I can't see the screen, but I hear the opening notes and can only laugh through my tears. Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart...Heart of my own heart, whatever befall. (if you don't know this hymn, check out Ginny Owens' version. oh yeah, and she's blind. so that makes it more awesome. oof.)

I'm not saying that I've fully gotten my heart (or my head) where they need to be, but I know that GOD is working that out. Slowly, perhaps...but only because of my resistance, I'm sure. After 24ish hours in the car and listening to every Jennifer Knapp album (Kansas and The Way I Am twice each), another song hit me right where it hurts. I'm posting the lyrics with no commentary. Those of you that know me will see those shiny spots. If not, you'll see what you need to identify with...the ugly kind of good.

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to

That presses harsh hope against time

So I turn on the light and reveal all the glory

I am not afraid to bear all my weakness

Knowing in meekness I have a kingdom to gain

Where there is peace and love in the light

I am not afraid

To let your light shine bright in my life

There are ghosts from my past

Who have owned more of my soul

Than I thought I had given away

They linger in closets and under my bed

And in pictures less proudly displayed

A great fool in my life I have been

Have squandered till pallid and thin

Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame

For the darkness I know I've let win

Well, I've never been much for the baring of soul

In the presence of any man

I'd rather keep myself all safe and secure

In the arms of a sinner I am

Could it be that my worth could depend

By the crimson stained grace on a hand

And like a lamp on a hill, Lord, I pray in your will

To reveal all of you that I can

Noise Floor Spot on Born In The Flood

Born In The Flood "End Of Me"

"Oh, he can hear me."

"I think it was, like, the end of creation and God was like, 'Let's stick parts of these 3 animals together.' Front-back-middle-Platypus!" -JRe on water mammals

"At least I have my modesty panel. No one wants to see 61-year-old boobs."-Mom Keller on wedding attire

"Let's be honest: people like you." -Jessica on job interviews

"You know you like to crush the nutballs." -Dave on Camels

"Yeah, my name's Josh. Look at my shoes, of course my name is Josh." -Riley on Wrouley

"Richard Tate. I went to school with him." -Joe on Lil' Rascal jokes

"There are so many reasons why we are not doctors." -Jess on forceps/triceps

"Yeah, they usually have convenience stores in city parks. 7-11, probably." -Mel on water

"Skinny jeans. Bigger man." -LT on hipster rollerblading

"Are you calling me on purpose?" -Manderson on Monday afternoon randomness

"Maybe he doesn't believe what he sees." -Mel on flirtatious eye contact

Chart the journey that Balboa took...

(i usually enjoy the out-of-context quote list, but the exchange(s) had with my new friend olivia and the interior monologue that i had on loop that day were too irresistible to NOT post. i'm fully realizing that karma is a comedienne.)

"I don't think anyone can do that right now. Maybe in a long time-like 6 or 7 thousand years. And probably not a person; maybe a machine will be able to figure that out." -Jacob, 8, on fortune telling

"I think both styles of your hair are actually kinda funky." -Jacob on hawk vs. not

"Where's your mom?" -Olivia, 5, sitting behind me on a rafting trip (read: total stranger)
"In Illinois." -me
"Where's your dad?"
"Illinois."
"Why are you alone? How are you doing all by yourself?" (how much time do you have, kid?)
"Because I'm a big kid. I'm an adult."
"No, you're not!" (it's one thing to be questioned or carded by an adult...but a 5-year-old?)
~approximately 20 minutes later~
"Are you a boy or a girl?" (actually, i'm a lesbian. so i'm kinda both. negotiate that! any more questions?)

"So get the crust out." -Jacob on splinters and Chaco foot

"It's none of your business. None of your grown-up business. It's really no grown-up business. It's more me and Mattias' business. I might actually get expelled. Well, in 8th grade. Maybe I shouldn't say this out loud. I might forget about it." -Jacob on $10 and where he got it

"I'm not cool. I don't want to be. It's torture. Then it just makes you popular. Popular is more torture." -Jacob responding to me including him in a group of "cool" people

Just a friendly reminder: Punctuation exists and can be your friend.

Possibly the quickest turnaround for the quote blog...but Maggie came to town for our birthdays and the Cubs series, so most of these come from the walk to Coors Field, the stands, the Rockpile, or driving down Colfax in my trusty '96 Honda. As I drove home last night, the corner of 22nd & Blake seemed mighty different.

"Tanks for Jesus? That's our new band name." -JRe on my mumbly singing

"Arthur Ashe? I'm pretty sure that's a tennis player." -Jess on the Hash twins
"And he's black." -Jill

"In my mind, it's pretty straight. And it also looks like a pig." -Jessica on the US/Canadian border
(insert my bewildered & incredulous facial expressions)
"I'm sorry, did I say that out loud? I've never told anyone that I thought that." -Jess

"No, you mean you're different." -Maggie on judging

"I'm gonna be straight up with you. I know more about the world than he does." -a Beekman truth joke

"I'm just looking for some guud times." -Maggie on team loyalty (how dare she?)

"It's like a beat up FORD..." -Maggie on my ill-working power locks
"It's a Honda and you know that." -me

"Well, it's got to be some kind of conviction. Religious or prison, it's something." -Maggie on life choices

"There are radishes and there are nipples." -Rachel Lee on madlibs

"This gentleman getting into this cab right here just came up with the greatest porn site ever: White Belt Black Ass." -AndrewN (yup, i saw him again)

"Get off my nuts about the water." -Maggie on hydration

"I'll punch her. I'll boob punch her. Because I'm allowed to." -Micah on sisters

"Do you want me to go over there and take care of those lesbians with the horn?" -me on the viivvvvooosoccer things

"See. Butt sex. Not that bad." -Micah on OCD

"Super sweet goat....what's that about?" -Lowedown on texts

"People from Illinois-we're all assholes." -Jaci on the 309 (holler. i'll claim it.)

"How long will British Jill be with us?" -Maggie on annoyance

"I'd take some undercarriage. Right now it's all crotch." -Micah on 92 degrees and metal

"Here's the thing: That's something I don't care about." -JRe on innings

"Unacceptable. UN-Acceptable! UNACCEPTABLE!" -Micah on Cubs fans & Steve Goodman

"If there's one thing I've learned, you take a knee when a player gets hurt.!" -Micah on Fowler

"You can't talk that loud. This thing goes way back." -Jim on Micah's rage

"Better than no boyfriend at all. Of all the guys you had to pick." -Maggie on TYB & CFU

"I go home every 4 months. For beer." -new friend Krista on New Glarus

"After 34 years, you'd think I wouldn't be so surprised by this." -me on game 3
"That you lost?" -Micah
"Now, how it makes me feel."

"If something feel good, go ahead and indulge." -Kari on wobbly extension

"Squirrels kinda scare me, because I don't want the rabies."

"Why does the English language have to be so daft? Yes, English is a daft language, if you haven't noticed in your 31 years." -Jacob, now 8 (obviously)

"Tiger Woods is a terrible person."

"Seven?! Seven at the morning?!"

"No, they have pretty good blood pressure, so they want to keep it."

"Bill Gates invented the iPad. He is one of the richest guys in the world. Yeah, it's him and this other guy switching places for the richest. Do you think he gets paid $1,000 sometimes? For his really good decisions?"

"I can't really remember. My mind isn't really letting me know. " -Maria, 4

"Repertoire." -Maria, still just 4

"HEY! This makes my hipcock look normal."

this round of quotes is fairly inappropriate. i cleaned up what i could, left some out...but some are just to flippin' funny to keep from the fans. it should be said that i've been wicked busy, moved since i last typed, and there is mucho seriouso going on in the brain, the conversations, and many of my peoples have rough lives right now....so the laughter has been fueled by the actual insanity of lives, mine and others....and very therapeutic. if you're easily offended by junior high humor, please skip to the kid quote blog.

"Or a Dance Dance Revolution pad, yes." -LT on bike storage/the reading nook/the scaring spot

"I don't care if there are midgets jumping over rainbows on them, I'm not wearing shorts." -Edubs on Elitches

"You do Kevin all the time?" -Jill on impressions
"That's because he's so easy." -Erin
(ridiculous amounts of laughter)
"This better go in the quote book."-Erin
(again with the laughing....throughout)
"I want to see Jill do me." -Erin
"I do you all the time."-Jill
"Excellent." -Erin

"Geothermal Farrell. It's funny what they think is funny." -JRe on Greensburg

"Turbation. Could you please ask Erin to define that and get back to me?" -Jess

"It was in my little hidey hole." -Jessica on spare keys

"Um....you just said 'vagina' and 'penis chuck'..." -JRe on the line
"Pee chute?" -Spud mishearing

"What is going on with all of these 'hidey holes'?" -Erin misses the joke (or rather, makes it.)

"Of course he's going to Lillith Fair. He's gonna have a picnic blanket and read the latest Anita Shreve book." -Erin on masculinity

"I've done it in a line a lot." -Jill on the laughing game

"I liked doin' the three." -Anna on Consequences

"What's happening? What's that snapping noise?" -Jill on water bottles
"Your brain? Synapses misfiring?" -Whit

"I can't believe you found another TOM!" -Erin on Kevin

"Yeah. That does not sound like a bunch of noise to me." -Kevin on Larimer Lounge

"Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I go to Wal-Mart so I can feel pretty." -steph on the meatstick

"But, it's like, why are you bringing God into this?!" -Jess on Galatians 2:17

"So three things: no idols, don't eat bloody meat, and keep your sexy time clean." -Jill on Acts 21

"If they were one person, they'd be, like, my best friend. Of all time." -AndrewX on marrieds

"How dare you call out a hipster and then pull an iPhone out of your pocket? How's that application workin' for ya?" -AndrewN on Ben

"Are they like identical twins or something?!"

around a month ago, i was having some moments. so i did one of the 2 things i generally do when i need to sort myself and my headspace out: i went to stella's with a book to dissappear for a few hours. it was a glorious beginning of summer colorado evening. there weren't many db teenagers milling about AND my favorite reading corner was wide open. Yahtzee!



however, there was (what quickly became apparent as) a couple on first date at the nearest table. it became evident shortly thereafter that they had met via the interwebs. let's get this straight: i was trying to read. i'm deaf in one ear and the other one doesn't work so hotsy totsy most of the time. so these folks were talking rather loudly.



i spent a good 45 minutes tuning them out, but some of their conversation was irresistable. i went from annoyed at their volume to intrigued by their stories...they covered a plethora of heavy material. they attempted to wrap it up and say goodbye several times, but they just couldn't get enough of one another's company (did i mention that she sounded to be a pretty strict feminist and he thinks that the woman should stay at home birthin' babies? intense. just to paint the scene a bit further for you, dear reader, the dude had long-ish dark hair, glasses, and could potentially play D & D in his spare time...and the girl had long red hair and an ample backside....in my head [if we're playing the JRe judging game] she might crochet and have a lot of cats.)



here we have a special edition, if you will, of the quote blog....eavesdropping on random strangers style. at this point the conversation becomes so ridiculously entertaining that i did, in fact, scribble notes on the title pages of my book. yup, that good (them)....eeerrr, that pathetic (me).



Dude: If you smoked too much marijuana....Well, it's not that toxic. With alcohol or heroin you could....You picked a good drug to overdose on. Pot's not lethal. Everything in moderation-even moderation. It's a slippery slope. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to renew my vow to be sober. I think I'm growing out of it. ....(long pause)...

I'm kind of embarrassed now. All of a sudden. I'm not sure why.

Girl: Don't worry. I'm not really that judgemental. ....(another long pause)

We should go.

(random talk from both parties about when it would be appropriate to see each other again.)

Girl: I think you're trying to stick to the 3-day rule...but you don't really want to.
Dude: I would love to see you tomorrow.
Girl: I think 2 days is good.
Dude: As they say in Pulp Fiction, "That's when you know you've found somebody really special: you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence."
Girl: Not to sound like a crazy Tarantino fan...
Dude: Jackie Brown is my favorite.

"Yes, there are places left in the world where people are named Penelope!"

(i was recently told that my last quote entries weren't "that funny". that said, i'm bringing it anyhooze. also, as school is out-for-summer, the kid quotes will be fewer and mostly from the ones that i nanny or highpoint kids. still gold, though. still gold. enjoy.)

"I have a terrible sense of remembrance." -Jacob, age 7

"Is that enough 'creatures'?" -Sophie, age 18, on Mary Shelley

"C'mon, people! Are you serious here?!?"- Jacob on InTouch magazine (which he shamefully found in my backseat)
"...it's like a marriage magazine." -after I questioned what he was reading

"What's the big deal of college anyways?" -Jacob
"What do you think is the big deal? the point?" -me
"Tests. Tests. Teeeests." -Jacob

"Why do people pay taxes? I mean, how do they pay them?" -Jacob
"Blah blah blah..." -my explanation, paraphrased
"Never mind for the whole 'paying tax thing'." -Jacob's reaction to that business

" I like Rock Obama." -Maria, age 4
"What do you like about him?" -me
"I like his handsome hair."

"Jill Bradford is interrupting me listening to Kurt. Hey Kurt, what's that thing that I'm never supposed to forget?" -Stefan, age 18

"Michael just laughs at everything Jill says." -Stefan
"Just say his name. Just say his name." -Brian, age 17

"You 2 are like a married black couple." -Michael, age 17

"I've never plucked a rooster and I'm not too good at ping pong...."

"I think in the wintertime she can get pale...but I think that's all white people." -Kris on Emily


"Barometric pressure is a bitch." -steph on allergies and canals


"So, does God have different standards for..." "....jungle people?" -JRe and me figuring out the book of Acts (as you can tell, we're pretty adept at it.)


"It says somewhere in the Bible, or maybe the Mormon bible, at this point I don't even care..."-Jess on predestination and free will (one of our favorites)

"A little nook? Oh, a little nooky in the master bedroom." -Michelle on house hunting


"Welcome to my life. Can I just look at it and play with it a little bit, but I don't want to lead you on. This isn't going anywhere." -Erin on house hunting, as well


"I'm Tim Gunnin' this b!t@h!" -me on making bathrooms work


"Is there an outlet up here for my blender? Alright, extension cord it is." -Edubs on rooftop sunbathing


"We got Fatty McGee over here. Yeah, he watches the Food Network with his hands down his pants." -Erin on potential neighbor guy
"Whatever, I'm not training for the Olympics!" -me
"Well, at least he's not a crackhead." -Erin comparing potential neighbors


"Just drive down Delaware and look for the ugliest house on the block. That's where I live."


"Rain simplifies your life by eliminating your options." -Garrison Keillor

"I'm not even gettin' in the water. That's what lifeguards are for." -Erin on kids

"STOP YOUR MOUTH!" -Jess on 'Left Lane Must Turn Left' signs on 72, me driving and making jokes

"Girl Scouts like gays." -Tate on San Francisco

"Are you sure it's not a Catholic church?" -Sloan on smokers

"I know that Jesus loves the little children, but when you get older, He's pissed." -John on theology

"If you let people in a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing."

i've been rediscovering my love for the indigo girls. tonight the album Swamp Ophelia, specifically a song called "Dead Man's Hill," speaks to why i haven't blogged much lately. i have journaled little snippets, but nothing has poured out here...or in many full blown real-life conversations, if we're being completely honest.

don't you write it down
remember this in your head
don't take a picture
remember this in your heart
don't leave a message
talk to me face to face

(if you're one of my "readers" who is into live footage of music {or your name is Steph or Alicia}, check out this youtube link of the early 90s girls {who can resist bad fashion and lesbian hair, seriously? plaid and feathered mullets, people. i'm going straight to hell. and i just realized that my hair currently resembles amy's in this video. geezalou.}. and don't miss that sweet blow-organ. nice)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5GCdYsc1tY

so there's that. or there's the even more honest truth: jill has a tough time being real and vulnerable. err derrr. authentic? yes. blunt? absolutely. bold? assuredly. down and dirty when it comes to actual emotions? not so much. a few weeks ago, i was consciously NOT calling my parents or kevin, because they'd ask me questions. and they know me. and i didn't want to deal with that.

then i had an 2 unexpected conversations with alish and jre, and things started to unfold in a "new" way. nothing's actually new, i'm just re-learning and re-realizing a bunch of junk about myself. so that's awesome. which brings us to my dearest friend, sarcasm.

i'm trying to figure out why it's so easy for me to be honest and messy with strangers, but not with those that i have established relationships. sincerely. essentially, i'm processing a bunch of stuff. and i'm dealing, which i'm good at deferring....i love that i have friends to keep me accountable and that take me to task on my twaddle.

there will be more, but i'll bullet a few highlights:

• i've fully embraced a prayer to have GOD bring me to the bottom of everything so that we can start rebuilding. i don't know that i've ever before been ready to be turned upside down the way i'm now trusting and expecting His faithfulness on this. when you challenge GOD, He'll answer big. scared o' that, but in a supremely peaceful way.
• church has long been a word filled with disappointment and hopelessness for me. that said, i think i've found one that might redeem that for me.
• operation-lindsay-erin-and-jill-live-downtown is sooo with 3 o's close.
• i auditioned for a show last week. AND GOT CAST. but had to turn it down due to a scheduling conflict.
• some out-of-towners that i love dearly (of both the friend and family feather) are visiting for the next 2 weeks, and some potential positive processing is plainly on the periphery.
  

finally, i've recently finished a phenomenal book. this post's title quote is from Arnold Spirit, who comes to us through the gifted writing of Sherman Alexie...ringing true and expressly apropos, i'll repeat it..."If you let people in a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing."

"Let's be honest, Jill would recycle a used napkin if you'd let her."

quite some time back (uuum, may the 6th to be exact, according to the journal entry) i decided that i would steal nicole's idea. she posts "Random" lists in lieu of a full blog entry, and i thought this might help me get over my not wanting to write/not prepared to share phase. false. all i did was begin compiling little random lists in even more random places. over a month later, i am looking at these hash marked scraps of paper wondering what i meant when i originally wrote them....others i remember vividly and have been thinking all the more about them. so we'll see what comes out. geez a lou.

• i used to despise aspen trees. now i not only enjoy them, i delight in them.
• my fantasy band is named Foghorn Leghorn. in it, i play the banjo. we do shows at the Grizzly Rose.
• there is no feeling as melancholy and indescribable as finishing a good book.
• it bugs me that i didn't appreciate living in a commuter city when i lived in one, given as much as i miss that vibe now that i don't. i've become such a driver that i frustrate myself.
• billie joe armstrong is one cool cat. KERPLUNK! has always been my favorite Green Day album, but i've put it back into heavy rotation lately. then i heard him on Fresh Air with Terry Gross and figured out that i always want to be a scene kid. and would love it if i met my husband by a dumpster outside of the (insert bar here).
• seeing The Tallest Man on Earth open for Nathaniel Rateliff at the Bluebird last month was superb. it reminded me of everything i love about live music, about any music. mostly i revel in the experience...shows being, at once, both wholly communal and completely individual an occurrence. somehow, among the expected and even the surprises, i am always caught off guard. that's guud stuff right there.
• i love "p" words. always have. lately they've popped up everywhere: proclivity, purloined, perplexed...i need to utilize (uuh, practice?) them in conversation.
• red ants still freak my freak. after the beachfront path experience in South Carolina in 2006, i haven't seen them often. but, when i do...man, oh man.
• i've found myself revisiting old places of importance.
• i'm learning how to navigate using a language that was taught to me (in earnest) by a church i no longer see fruit from....that separation used to be hard, now i just know that it's time. i mean, read the first part of that. how could i begin to justify staying? tried that before.
• Bon Jovi, Steven Tyler and Mick Jagger are not the same person. nor are they in the same band. just a friendly reminder.
• i did a day of silence back in april. i'm feeling it's high time to do that again.
• hearing any southern rock or bob seger makes me miss my dad. and want to be at a bradford family wedding reception.
• sitting in st. mark's as i write this, i notice a heart above the counter. lots of little intricacies that i didn't notice when i was here for the first time, on a first date (gack!), back in december.
• lately i've dug some lenka, soul coughing and frank turner for my eers. check them out.
  

"At This Point in My Life" -Tracy Chapman

Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
Oh I, Oh I've
Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right


At this point in my life
I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance I'll try


You see it's been a hard road the road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
I've had a hard life I'm just saying it so you'll understand
That right now, right now, I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life


At this point in my life
Although I've mostly walked in the shadows
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try


You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
I've been reaching high always losing ground
You see I've been reaching high but always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life


Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I've seen and all I've done
The things I'd like to forget
At this point in my life


At this point in my life
I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it


You see when I've touched the sky
The earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life