"If you let people in a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing."

i've been rediscovering my love for the indigo girls. tonight the album Swamp Ophelia, specifically a song called "Dead Man's Hill," speaks to why i haven't blogged much lately. i have journaled little snippets, but nothing has poured out here...or in many full blown real-life conversations, if we're being completely honest.

don't you write it down
remember this in your head
don't take a picture
remember this in your heart
don't leave a message
talk to me face to face

(if you're one of my "readers" who is into live footage of music {or your name is Steph or Alicia}, check out this youtube link of the early 90s girls {who can resist bad fashion and lesbian hair, seriously? plaid and feathered mullets, people. i'm going straight to hell. and i just realized that my hair currently resembles amy's in this video. geezalou.}. and don't miss that sweet blow-organ. nice)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5GCdYsc1tY

so there's that. or there's the even more honest truth: jill has a tough time being real and vulnerable. err derrr. authentic? yes. blunt? absolutely. bold? assuredly. down and dirty when it comes to actual emotions? not so much. a few weeks ago, i was consciously NOT calling my parents or kevin, because they'd ask me questions. and they know me. and i didn't want to deal with that.

then i had an 2 unexpected conversations with alish and jre, and things started to unfold in a "new" way. nothing's actually new, i'm just re-learning and re-realizing a bunch of junk about myself. so that's awesome. which brings us to my dearest friend, sarcasm.

i'm trying to figure out why it's so easy for me to be honest and messy with strangers, but not with those that i have established relationships. sincerely. essentially, i'm processing a bunch of stuff. and i'm dealing, which i'm good at deferring....i love that i have friends to keep me accountable and that take me to task on my twaddle.

there will be more, but i'll bullet a few highlights:

• i've fully embraced a prayer to have GOD bring me to the bottom of everything so that we can start rebuilding. i don't know that i've ever before been ready to be turned upside down the way i'm now trusting and expecting His faithfulness on this. when you challenge GOD, He'll answer big. scared o' that, but in a supremely peaceful way.
• church has long been a word filled with disappointment and hopelessness for me. that said, i think i've found one that might redeem that for me.
• operation-lindsay-erin-and-jill-live-downtown is sooo with 3 o's close.
• i auditioned for a show last week. AND GOT CAST. but had to turn it down due to a scheduling conflict.
• some out-of-towners that i love dearly (of both the friend and family feather) are visiting for the next 2 weeks, and some potential positive processing is plainly on the periphery.
  

finally, i've recently finished a phenomenal book. this post's title quote is from Arnold Spirit, who comes to us through the gifted writing of Sherman Alexie...ringing true and expressly apropos, i'll repeat it..."If you let people in a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing."