The last few weeks have been rough. Sunday before last I was in the thick of what I've come to call "maintaining" after three hectic weeks of uncertainty.
Blended with family and out of town visitors, all of it added up to Jill not getting enough alone time. I spent so many weeks
compressing that I wasn't sure what would happen once I had the time to expand and travel unbridled (let alone sit) with my thoughts. In all honesty, I still don't.
What I do know is that I've spent many hours in the car with music. Generally, it's unlikely that I'll listen to the same stuff within the same week, let alone the same day. The past 4 days I've had the same handful of artists and albums on repeat: both in my head and through the speakers. Whether it's my own attempt at self-preservation and comfort, or my own self-destruction putting salve on open wounds...not sure. Definite toss-up. But there are 2 songs, specifically, that ring with an intensity that shouldn't be ignored. So
I'mma share a bit in hopes that you'll need this, that you'll hear it, that you'll use it...however that happens.
SO....2 Sundays back. My parents had just left town, I had been frantically trying to rearrange my physical life with 2 days of garage sale and failed attempts at organizing my new living space. I've been "dating" a new church, hadn't been in engaged in
bona fide (larger) community for a few. Constant struggles for me: to engage and to be on time. This particular day was no different, so I'm hoping to make the last set of music Sunday night to say goodbye to the biker boys before they were off to Kansas for the
school year. While I missed the boys, I did engage. In a completely unexpected way.
There were 4 songs played. The first 2 I'd never heard. But incredibly moving lyrics about coming home, going against the tide and being broken and then renewed by what you've always known. Third song starts. I sit against the wall in the back and simply listen.
It was honesty time. My prayer was earnest and my prayer was tied up in so much confusion, I didn't pull any punches. Simple language. "The word we study should be the word we pray." So I started with Mark 9:24, "I believe. Help my disbelief." Fairly simple, and I've been focusing on this verse for virtually all summer. With my analytical tendencies, it comes up often.
My honesty time became very blunt after that. I'm not one to press God or pray
super specifically for myself, so it was an uncomfortable place to be. For about 3 seconds. Then it just came out. Essentially, I asked simply that GOD would make it clear if I needed to deal with my head or my heart first.
"Hey God, which thing do you want me to get right here?" (obviously, the answer is head. work out all of the ways that you can box me up,
jill. that's what i want.
i'd like you to try to figure me out. )
"God, I don't even know where home is anymore. How can I logically negotiate that?"Cue the final song. I can't see the screen, but I hear the opening notes and can only laugh through my tears.
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart...Heart of my own heart, whatever befall. (if you don't know this hymn, check out Ginny Owens' version. oh yeah, and she's blind. so that makes it more awesome.
oof.)
I'm not saying that I've fully gotten my heart (or my head) where they need to be, but I know that GOD is working that out. Slowly, perhaps...but only because of my resistance, I'm sure. After 24
ish hours in the car and listening to every Jennifer Knapp album (
Kansas and
The Way I Am twice each), another song hit me right where it hurts. I'm posting the lyrics with no commentary. Those of you that know me will see those shiny spots. If not, you'll see what you need to identify with...the ugly kind of good.
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
That presses harsh hope against time
So I turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid to bear all my weakness
Knowing in meekness I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light
I am not afraid
To let your light shine bright in my life
There are ghosts from my past
Who have owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life I have been
Have squandered till pallid and thin
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win
Well, I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth could depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill, Lord, I pray in your will
To reveal all of you that I can
