"They are idiot mantras that exist in a prearranged cycle."

"To begin...to begin...how to start? I'm hungry. I should get coffee. Coffee would help me think. I should write something first and then reward myself with coffee. Coffee and a muffin."

I've ever used other peoples' words to communicate. I attribute it to being an actress for so many years (and quite emotionally stunted for many, as well). In lieu of naming my own feelings and sentiments, I've used those of others. I've also long been attracted to stories of crazy girls. I love a character study, I love connecting with idiosyncrasies...even if I don't understand them, I am forever fascinated. I also find much comfort in re-reading books and re-watching films. At a loss? A standstill? Looking for direction? Always go to that which inspired and sparked creativity previously. It's been a couple of those kind of weeks for me.

I just yesterday read my favorite chapter of a favorite book, Girl, Interrupted. And watching Adaptation (by the screenwriting genius of Charlie Kaufman) again tonight was the perfect illustration of Velocity vs. Viscosity. Terrific. Makes me want to go back to The Bell Jar and Borderlines next.

"Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head? Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliche. I need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. I need to stop putting things off. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stopped putting things off I'd be happier. All I do is sit around on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat, I'd be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more. Improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something? Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese. I would be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese. And plays the oboe. That would be cool. I need to get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool everyone into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true, especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me: bad chemistry. All my troubles and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or misfiring synapses or something. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly, though. Nothing's gonna change that."

"Insanity comes in two basic varieties: slow and fast. I'm not talking about onset or duration, I mean the quality of the insanity, the day-to-day business of being nuts. There are a lot of names: depression, catatonia, mania, anxiety, agitation. They don't tell you much. ...Viscosity and velocity are opposites, yet they can look the same. Viscosity causes the stillness of disinclination, velocity causes the stillness of fascination. An observer cannot tell if a person is silent and still because inner life has stalled or because inner life is transfixingly busy."


"Ok, so I need to establish the theme. Maybe banana nut. That's a good muffin."


-Charile Kaufman, Adaptation
-Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted