right where it hurts...

it was the last week of january, 2004, 7:30 in the morning. i got a phone call from my friend jeremy telling me that our friend from chicago, chris, had just been found dead. no details, just dead. at first i was confused, because we had always called him "Carl", but then i connected the dots. it was the 4th friend to die in as many years, all in december or january. i'd done this "grieving" thing before. but never from 900 miles away. never alone.

during that same time i had been listening to Leona Naess' self-titled album. the kind of record where you don't have a favorite track, because you have three. it has just been recently that i can listen to that album and not go back to the place i was in...mentally, emotionally....back in the early part of 2004.

i made a trip to Second Spin a few weeks ago and got Leona's most recent, THIRTEENS. mmm mmm mmm. as i pack to leave in the morning to meet 7 of my high school girlfriends, it's fitting that a song entitled "Not the Same Girl" would resonate.

these are the best days of your life
dinner parties, and friends and noone's wife

climbin' down the apple tree
i can see your strength in me
storms are brewin' and we're headin' for a change
friends will marry and move away
you will look back at it all
memories rage across an empty hallway

you're not the same girl who
writes love songs and means them
you're not the same girl who
has butterflies and believes them

i won't stop needing you
and i won't stop wanting to

i'm not the same girl who writes postcards
for strangers
i'm not the same girl who wears pigtails
says "I love you"

when we knew
when we knew
when we knew it all

we're not the
same girls who
watched movies and believed them

i definitely still wear pigtails. and i'm certainly grateful for friends like jeremy who would call me at an ungodly hour just to make me feel connected....for friends who have seen me through those times like 2004 (and even more recently), when nothing made sense and i wanted to stay there, in confusion and hopelessness, rather than deal with it. i've lately been thinking a lot about how to allow people to love me, to care for me, and i'm struggling to verbalize my appreciation. or to simply recognize that love. so thank you. i'm not the same girl.