"I do not doubt that you will say such a thing by the end of the evening."

"Pee! Bowl! Dance!" -Todd, me, Micah (respectively) on what I like to do in alleys

"Cowboy boots! Sweat pants! Cowboy boots!" -Micah

"I might be drunk, but I still use big words!" -LT

"I KNOW! Right?! Right?"

"That chic must be a sister wife. I don't even know what the eff that is." -Kevin on Dorothy

"Is this appropriate to show my nieces?" -Kevin on photos

"Well, what if they took the picture?"

"I mean, I hope I'm not an airhead. But sometimes I wonder if I should be thinking more." -LT

"I'm sorry, I don't serve that purpose in your life. Call an old girlfriend." -Walter on reliving the past

"Look around and find a hipster. Well, Jill's a hipster." -Robin on skinny jeans

"Cart him around, like an accessory." -Lizzie on artists

"'Cuz it's Friendsgiving." -Kevin on fashion choices

"It would be better warm. But I'm not gonna stop." -Laura on eating

"He sounded about as clear as our President." -LT on State of the Unions

"We're here to help each other through this. Whatever it is."

When I wrote this, I was speaking very much about other people. Today I'm going to do something I rarely do...write about me. A few weeks ago, I was maintaining. Currently, I am not.

The last few weeks have been rough, health-wise. Another rarely broached topic. In short, I've felt miserable and have been in pain. New pain...in different places...sleeping 14 hours at a time pain. When I saw my chiropractor earlier last week and actually shared (honestly) with him how I was feeling, he asked some pretty pointed questions. We'll get to that. But he also told me to cut out caffeine and sugar. And told me to stop skateboarding.

Let's get this straight: I've gone cold turkey on both caffeine and sugar before. I can do it. At this point in my life, however, americanos and ice cream are two addictions that I cling to and rightfully claim. They are two things that, healthy or not, I run to for comfort...and partially for survival. Grr. Skateboarding? One of the rare instances where I can exercise some sort of control over my physicality, as well as mentally distract myself from all else.

Lest this become a purely angry rant or pity party for things that aren't soon to disappear, I'll move on to the pointed questions. He asked me what I was hiding from. Goosh. Then he told me (he didn't have to ask) why I wasn't accepting all of the peace that GOD offers me, and instructed me to allow more love and life into myself. Easy enough. I'll just have the butler run to the hot air balloon and grab the reserves. Know that I am unable to cast sarcasm aside, try as I might.

I walked around for my requisite 15 minutes of rehab and weights after my adjustment completely lost. How do I allow myself more love and life, when I'm struggling to know what those things even are? Notice I'll be absolutely circumventing the question of hiding. Although after thinking about that for a few days, it came back. Today. In the unlikeliest of places.

Back up a few months. As I was driving back to Denver from Illinois over Labor Day, I first realized this absence of any true knowledge of love. I put on a cd wrought with emotion and connectedness in effort to draw either from myself. Smacked upside the face with the overwhelming sense that a giant piece of the puzzle was not there. While having a full intellectual understanding of unconditional love, I have never truly believed in being worthy of that myself. Wowza. To date, I've only shared that with 2 people-and then still in the stages of tentativeness.

Today I took a walk with a guy I just met a few weeks earlier. We met, at random, to go see The National play in the middle of October. Sharing a string of emails and then a couple of hours filled with great conversation and a fantastic show, we had no shortage of things to discuss. However, he's only in town for a brief bit, visiting before leaving for a indeterminate trip to India.

As we walk today, there was little risk involved in our talk. Barely knowing each other and doubtful to see one another again, questions were brazenly posed and answered with abandon. When it came to these matters of spirituality and love, I was captured unaware with that terrifying catch in my throat. Then it just came out. Here is this virtual stranger, asking just the right questions. And I couldn't hide.

Last night the roommates and I had a discussion besmirching the whole of 2010. Given that I know a number of folks ready to see its termination, I know this is nothing new: but I am ready for it to scoot on out. For me, this year has been rife with the almost. Coulda shoulda wouldas at every turn. Not necessarily failings, just an approximation of things that pretty much nearly just about worked out. Jobs, relationships, realizations....

So as this year closes in, I am armed with an arsenal of things to ponder; there is a struggle unfolding that I'm finally naming and admitting. I've begun to have hope; I know that opening up is the only way out. That enlightenment will be painful, though it is inevitably to be shared, in order to release myself of that injury.

Twenty-ten will soon be making tracks. If it's found not bolting fast enough, I'll ninja kick it on the way out the door. Plus, I'm in a knife gang. I'll cut it.

"Little guy old, little guy old..."

"I used to think naps were babyish. Now I think naps are good, because you get to sleep in the middle of the day!"

"You kinda look like a rock star in those. Yeah, you look really good in those socks. Like a rockstar. And your hair a little. On the skateboard. Or not riding the skateboard."

"Um, I don't know. Maybe kids playing outside. Or dog poop."

"My grandma and grandpa always speak Spanish, and my parents do sometimes. But I only do a little bit. Because when I was born, they knew I would come out speaking English."

"Your mom has a pretty dog. She must be kinda lucky."

"You know how to say 'corn dog' in Spanish? Corn dog. You know how to say 'hot dog' in Spanish? Hot dog."

"I am not. plain. four."

"Mostly I like to hug my mom because she's warm and she's nice to me."

It makes me look less bald, but makes me look more crazy.

"But not chickadees. I'm not sure....maybe because they're bouncy?" -steph on the irrational

"Eh-it's just her foot." -steph on 2nd grade injuries

"Look. Right under my big finger. Well, right under the biggest finger that I have." -me on pointing

"And his name is T-Y." -Erin on cute

"My lips itch!"
"I'm so tired!"
"My feet hurt!"
-Jill, Lindsay, and steph on cabrides

"Did anyone else see the pickin' and the diggin' and the eatin'?!" -Erin on neighbors
"Oh, I saw it." -cabbie on same

"Eat local. Steal your neighbor's apples." -Faith on property lines

"The delectable feminine fig." -Anne on harvesting
"You can make a great tart from a fig." -Claudia
"It's not a fig." -Faith on mendicino

"Sleep with a fan? Interested in a sex show? Need 3 blankets and 12 pillows? Every room has something to offer." -Erin on sleepovers at our house

"Once you hit 60, you can start wearing fruit on your pants." -LT on fashion

"That's what Lindsay Tighe says no matter when I see her. 10am? 'I want to go dancing.'" -Micah on legendary nights

"You just got the tip! Just the tip!" -Kevin on Nacho Libre thumbs

"Tall man's coming out!" -Chandra, also on digits

"It's almost too slippery for me." -Kevin on Burt's Bees

"Well, I just got out of the shower. We're trying to wrestle...rustle up...let's round up these cows! There were 136 cows. Yeah, we got like 30 of 'em." -Doug on pitch black farming

"At least you didn't live there. It could be worse." -Random show-goer (let's say Andrew) on Littleton

"Well, there's still time. We've got goods to offer." -me on striking Mumford tickets on CL

"Now, if I didn't ask questions about the things that you say, my perception of your life would be very different." -JRe poking a lamb's breast

"I don't know any kind of music that he makes." -JRe on Dr. Dre

"Well, the kind of music that Debbie listens to...I don't know any of those peoples' names. '...like airplanes in the night sky...I could really use a wish right now....'" -JRe on Alicia

"I'm pretty sure you have the same outfit, too." -Erin on Zack Galifianakis

"No, she thought she was bringing souls home." -Lizzie on the unawares

"You're the closest to the door. Batter up!" -Erin on leases

"It's constantly... I don't want to say, like herding cats. That's become cliche, but it's akin to that. Really, really naughty cats. That don't give a flip. And some of them have emotional problems and then some cats aren't very bright, and some are screaming and yelling all the time and there's some cats that are so bored they're crawling around in the corner and some of the cats are sitting really really still, but I don't have time to pay attention to them....And I'd like to buy another vowel." -Keller on 3rd graders (via voicemail, no less)

"Now my llama nama do; My llama, llama nama see me!"

turns out, the best night of the summer happened on the first friday of fall. it was ridiculous. it was unexpected. it was legen....

erin went to the rockies' game with seth & crew. jRe drove the rest of us downtown. we walked through Oktoberfest and headed to the back patio at The Gin Mill. it was the usual frat-tastically db crowd (friday night after a game? check.), so we didn't stay long. but enough time to meet some winners (ryan was a regular visitor to our circle) and snap some photos. somehow big bar o' man chocolate and his friends, or jess & chelsa aren't in any of them. boo.

this random fabulous girl with fierce accessorizing skills directed a few group shots. i'm not really sure what we were going for...

cute?

per the ushe, LT's got that on lock.

the rest of us are doing a respectable job.

gold stars all around.

um, sassy, anyone?

everyone but erin has the exact same expression.

(and the girl in the background kinda looks like corwin.)

super nasty sassy? bryn didn't even try. but i'm glad our PBR half-cowboys made it in.

bryn & i might be dancing at this point. steph might be trying to play CONKERS! with me.

after that bidness, we walked down to market street to find us a dance floor. well, let's be honest. we stopped for hot dogs first. they had awesome shirts. check out creeper in the back.

whoop-there he is again. creeper. "Who's hand is that?!"

after the hot dogs, it became a hot mess. the best kind. highlights included a veritable 1st & wads reunion (i saw spencer and matthew browntown!), 2 hours of hardcore dancing with dudes who didn't speak english, ms. pac-man at 2-Fisted Mario's, & a 3 am cabride....all concluding at our place with the hiccups.

this was the kind of night where i stopped several times just to look around at some of my best friends truly enjoying life. to the full. nutballs. giant fans, sticky floors, broken dartboards... wait for it....dary.

"When my heart draws close to the close of autumn, Your love, Your love...abounds."

as i wrote a bit ago about being grown up enough to truly deal with life alongside people who are having a rough go of it, i attempted to describe this to a friend via text conversation. i doubt i can any better verbalize it through typing a blog, so i'll just copy a few of the text messages here.

the last few days have made the arrival of fall painfully obvious. in both the weather and season of life.

that (this) is true for me. and those around me. hard to succinctly express.

i'm not quite embracing it, but living in it. truly. allowing time to be.

practicing the things i've never lived out before...hard stuff, but it feels right.

i've never liked fall. i've long had friends who have fully relished the coming of change, the ideas of nature mirroring the experiences of our lives. the metaphorical dying to self to allow room for growth and the horizon being full of rebirth. myself, i'd rather everything stay green and lush.

this year, however, has been slightly skewed. as i was taking a walk the other night, i listened to the few leaves that have started to fall as they crunched beneath my footfall. i was, dare i say, excited by the anticipation of what that would sound like. i waited for it. thrilled, even, to be sitting in wait. enjoying the moment, but also surrendering to the possibility of the good that could come from this season.

it's not an easy time for anyone that i've had conversations with these past few weeks. heartbreak abounds. but there is a comfort in knowing that this community will see it through together. that there isn't a silent struggle going on for each individual, but that our lives are interwoven enough to share the harsh realities of what life is handing us.

reading some dorothy parker the other night, i found these quotes apropos...

"We've got better things to think about. Well, we know we're going to be happy. Don't we?"

"There was a silence with things going on inside it."

"C'mon, keep it going...If you love me then I'll love you back."

(shout out to lish: the blog title is a lyric, and it applies! even if the song is actually some nasty 90s rap...it really does apply, just not in that context. thankyoudrivethru.)

this post is coming at you MDL "cheerios" style. i believe that if i always blogged this way, i'd post waaay (with 3 a's) more frequently. face facts: jill can tell a story. and jill can give some details. banal minutiae? read on.

• paul simon has the uncanny ability to always solicit a mood from me. all sorts of them. me likey. funny...i almost listened to Bridge Over Troubled Water last night, skipped it in favor of Science Partner. then Graceland was on at St. Mark's this afternoon. oh, paul.


• given that i was a math major, i've recently discovered that a 45% spanish speaking population is nowhere near as intimidating as a 92% spanish speaking population. as my little buddy skippyjon would say, "HOLY GUACAMOLE!" students in grades K-3 have the choice of English or Spanish language instruction, so it's intense to have over half of the students NOT be able to understand what you say to them. needless to say, my intermediate skill is proving useful....but, holy frijoles, doodlepaws! i shall be enrolling in some professional development courses to increase my fluency.

• my new school is near The Breakfast King. i'm hoping to convince the novo pharisees to meet there early one day this week. every experience i've had there has been phenomenal. today i was fondly remembering a visit there. tnads, KBX, edubs, gabe & i had been at a show at the gothic. i believe it was Born in the Flood and Meese? definitely Nathan & Stephen. i didn't like them yet. we had seen scott brabson & ian knox there. wearing red stocking caps a la Steve Zissou. after the show the 5 of us crammed into my car and headed up broadway for some Breakfast King....picture it: huddled in a roundish-rectangular booth, surrounded by cheese and grease (both the entrees and the company), quoting random will ferrell. suck it, trebek!, kicking and screaming, harry caray...to the max! a magical night, indeed.


• laundry. ugh. i've not done any since i was back home in illinois over labor day. ugh again. since moving to the new place, it's never been a problem to find the machines open. the past 2 days, there's been a backlog of baskets waiting. what? someone had a bona fide little mermaid outfit on a drying rack down there yesterday. for a minute i thought micah was still one of my roommates. weird. considering that the laundry has considerate of your neighbors hours of 10am-10pm, and my standard hours of operation are 10pm-2am, this may be a problem.


• it seems to be autumn for everyone....this one may not be a bullet point, but turn into an actual meaty entry. basically, i do not know anyone who is not trudging through some serious stuff right now. not your basic "I'm-stressed-out-life-is-rough-I'm-so-depressed" kind of stuff, either. divorce, miscarriage, moving, adultery, chronic and terminal illness. make or break you deals. i was talking with my friend eric the other day, and it's obvious that this becomes difficult for those of us who aren't experiencing this because we are invested in the lives of those who are. if we love like we profess, want to truly walk out what we claim to believe, to hold dear...then we must walk along the pain, even when we have nothing to say, to add, to pick up....it's oddly freeing to be in this place of constrictions. i don't feel like we're grown-up enough to have to be dealing with these issues, but perhaps it's that we're finally grown-up enough to deal with them.


• my car will never be clean. this may seem a bit of an obvious conclusion for those of you who've attempted to ride in my car...well, ever...but i actually washed and cleaned it out this weekend. and it is still disgusting. given my daily commutes and the hours i spend in the trusty civic, i've resigned myself to no longer even operating under the pretense that i intend to change it.


• i've been missing my long hair this week. it took 6 months, but i do. however, i think i'll do the hawk one more time before i grow it out to donate again.


• the past 2 weeks have found me making regular trips to Second Spin or Twist & Shout to look for music. i've dropped nearly $40 each time. mostly replacing what was stolen, but some recent stuff. i'm currently (and very newly) infatuated with The National. they'll be playing in denver on the 18th, if you're interested...holler. other listenings on heavy rotations: william fitzsimmons, bonnie "prince" billy, architecture in helsinki, eels, paper bird, and magnetic fields.
  


• i ate ice cream for lunch. seriously. oh, you weren't questioning me, were you? don't worry, for dessert i headed to st. mark's for an americano. keepin' it healthy on the regular.


• lunchtime found me listening to the back in the day cafe....and it was guud. it took me to Kansas City with my dad yelling random names out the driver's window. then to the beaches of Florida in the back of the '90 Caravan with Fresh...."I've been known to cut a rug." and my midwestern parents response: "You kids are going to get us shot!"

if you're way into these lists, check out some older posts that i'd saved as drafts for a hot minute. they're here and here.