on my recent drive through kansas, i got to listen to some sweet jams. courtesy of some cds i made circa 2006-2008....i make some pretty sick mixes. here are a few for your listening pleasure.

i like the album version better, but i dig that he's playing with his hood up.






oh, keb mo. you my boy. (i do despise jay leno, but it was the only decent video.)




rufus. a roadtrip staple. hard to pick just one, but this one makes it for the bea arthur reference.






this is a recent favorite. i heard it as i was walking down the street last night.

Everybody falls in small degrees.

(fair warning: this is totes mcgotes a 'memory lane' post. i was watching the first season of Scrubs. stellar music. recollections included.)

i vividly remember a phone conversation that i had in the winter of 2000/2001. i'd been living in chicago for about 6 months, and had been "broken up" with the "first boy to ever make me cry" for almost a year. having previously been one of my best friends, we were just (and finally) at the point where we could have random and unawkward conversations. he had called to tell me about a band that he thought i would like. the number of people whose taste in music i unquestionably trust is few, but this guy just knew me. (he was right about the Old 97s, too.)

the other memories i have attached to this music is nearly, if not more, vivid. taking the train to evanston to see Vanilla Sky, stopping by a random record shop beforehand. renting a car to drive home one random weekend, this in the cd player as i parked at the cemetery one snowy afternoon to visit mike's grave. so many thoughts about thomas wolfe....



i once saw Earlimart at the hi-dive. they make the short list of bands who put on PHENOMENAL shows, exceeding expectations set by their albums. big time.



this week i saw a movie called happythankyoumoreplease. while the jury's still out on the film itself, the music was my bag. most was by this chic named Jamie Seeman, who goes by the name jaymay. usually i don't dig girl voices, but she's pretty righteous.

i love the EL. i miss (mass and functional) public trans.

this music
comes courtesy of
The Chicago Reader.
i discovered
or remembered
these bands
whilst reading it
this past week.
on the train.
le sigh.

.

(also go to their website to hear the whole album Constant Future.)

Said one day, one day, one too many days...

even though i promised (myself) that i wouldn't steal steph's friday phonics idea, it turns out that maybe i am. since she's apparently on a posting hiatus, i'm glad to attempt to step up to fill the gap. not nearly as informational, just a bit of what i've been listening to lately.

everything absent or distorted. one of my favorite local bands. i used to work with one of these guys at the library, they opened a show for my friend mike's band...and then i became obsessed. too bad they don't play together anymore. i woke up with this song in my head today.



when i lived in chicago, i met (and subsequently fell in love with) a musician named Chris Mills. here he is performing with The City That Works Orchestra (and the lovely Kelly Hogan) at the hideout. for you denver music scenesters, the closest i've found to that place is the larimer lounge.



i'll go ahead and keep it local with achille lauro. it was hard to pick a video...they're all poor quaility. there is one of them playing "No Brakes", which they once dedicated to me and my Ms. PacMan prowess. it's a mutual admiration. anyhooze, this jam is one of my favorites to see live. As Kevin once said, "No, that does not sound like a bunch of noise to me."

before it makes a sound...

the eels. longtime favorite. this video...directed by wim wenders. yes.



bonnie "prince" billy. on the radio at 8am. perfection.



amy courts. the living room in nyc.



this one gets some lyrics:

"Stronger Than You Think”
(by amy courts | [c]2010 amalia musica)

And I know it’s gonna break you down
It’s gonna hurt like hell
Before it makes a sound
And I know it reaches everything
But you are stronger than you think you are
Right now

"It's time to drink drink and smoke smoke 'cuz we gots to go go."

the title quote comes from "muh brother dug" circa 1998. john fischer, landmark, coffee. yes.

here are three bands to which i've recently been introduced and quickly become enamored by....

Dear Nora, found courtesy of Radio1190:

then Owen, courtesy of emily at St. Mark's:





lastly, Ben Weaver, courtesy of the impeccable taste of Ryan Kulp:

Martyrs and Thieves

if you wanted to listen to the lyrics i've posted in the entry below, this one is quite nice. notice the lovely Amy Courts harmonizing. she's pretty. and special. pretty special, really.

Noise Floor Spot on Born In The Flood

Born In The Flood "End Of Me"

"At This Point in My Life" -Tracy Chapman

Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
Oh I, Oh I've
Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right


At this point in my life
I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance I'll try


You see it's been a hard road the road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
I've had a hard life I'm just saying it so you'll understand
That right now, right now, I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life


At this point in my life
Although I've mostly walked in the shadows
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try


You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
I've been reaching high always losing ground
You see I've been reaching high but always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life


Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I've seen and all I've done
The things I'd like to forget
At this point in my life


At this point in my life
I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it


You see when I've touched the sky
The earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life

"An old piece of bacon never eaten by Elvis...."

I've been feeling very unsettled lately. That has taken many forms, and I'm still deciphering it. It's varied the last week from anticipatory excitement to ugly-cry confusion, but it's led me to believe that GOD has something big in store for the next few bits of time. If you're into prayer, I'd appreciate some serious intercession. If you're into music, you should familiarize yourself with Rufus Wainwright. There's a Rufus for every season. I've been listening to Want One the last few days, and aside from laying down the soundtrack for some serious shower dancing, it's put a finger on some of my enigmatic feelings as well.

I don't know what it is
But you got to do it
I don't know where to go
But you got to be there
I don't know where to fall
But I know that its comfortable where
I don't know where it is

Putting all of my time
In learning to care
And a bucket of rhymes
I threw up somewhere
Want a locket of who
Made me lose my perfunctory view
Of all that is around
And of all that I do

So I knock on the door
Take a step that is new
Never been here before
Is there anyone else here too
In love with beauty
Playing all of the games
Who thinks three's company
Is there anyone else who wears slightly mysterious brusies
I don't know what it is

Take a lookin around
At friendly faces
All declaring a war on far off places
Is there anyone else who is through with
complaining about what's done unto us

So I knock on the door
And I am on a train
Going god knows where to
To get me over
To get me over

Give me heaven or hell
Calais or Dover

I was hoping the train
Was my big number
Stopping in Santa Fe and the Atchison-Topeka
Though I'm chugging along, put away by the crossing hand
We'll be heading for Portland, or Limburgh or Lower Manhattan
Find myself running around

I don't know what it is so get me over
I don't know what it is so get me over
I don't know what it is so get me over
To get me over
You gotta do it.
You gotta be there.

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets...."

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realise just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way...

Oh, how He loves us.

(original by John Mark McMillan)

David Crowder Band cover version here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ

right where it hurts...

it was the last week of january, 2004, 7:30 in the morning. i got a phone call from my friend jeremy telling me that our friend from chicago, chris, had just been found dead. no details, just dead. at first i was confused, because we had always called him "Carl", but then i connected the dots. it was the 4th friend to die in as many years, all in december or january. i'd done this "grieving" thing before. but never from 900 miles away. never alone.

during that same time i had been listening to Leona Naess' self-titled album. the kind of record where you don't have a favorite track, because you have three. it has just been recently that i can listen to that album and not go back to the place i was in...mentally, emotionally....back in the early part of 2004.

i made a trip to Second Spin a few weeks ago and got Leona's most recent, THIRTEENS. mmm mmm mmm. as i pack to leave in the morning to meet 7 of my high school girlfriends, it's fitting that a song entitled "Not the Same Girl" would resonate.

these are the best days of your life
dinner parties, and friends and noone's wife

climbin' down the apple tree
i can see your strength in me
storms are brewin' and we're headin' for a change
friends will marry and move away
you will look back at it all
memories rage across an empty hallway

you're not the same girl who
writes love songs and means them
you're not the same girl who
has butterflies and believes them

i won't stop needing you
and i won't stop wanting to

i'm not the same girl who writes postcards
for strangers
i'm not the same girl who wears pigtails
says "I love you"

when we knew
when we knew
when we knew it all

we're not the
same girls who
watched movies and believed them

i definitely still wear pigtails. and i'm certainly grateful for friends like jeremy who would call me at an ungodly hour just to make me feel connected....for friends who have seen me through those times like 2004 (and even more recently), when nothing made sense and i wanted to stay there, in confusion and hopelessness, rather than deal with it. i've lately been thinking a lot about how to allow people to love me, to care for me, and i'm struggling to verbalize my appreciation. or to simply recognize that love. so thank you. i'm not the same girl.

"If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that one might go from day-to-day without finding stool samples in their hair."

the blog title comes from David Sedaris. as i sit and attempt to mourn another familiar loss, cliches abound. i make no apologies. i give no explanations. they will be apparent to those who understand. and those that know the "jill" that has always been here will shrug, perhaps challenge me at a later date...i have been reading, listening, praying, questioning, seeking, resting. but obviously not sleeping. metaphors, similes, connections, stifled expression.

"If one's addicted, one does that in lieu of having a life." -James Taylor; Rolling Stone, July 1997

trees are bending to the metal blades
singing songs that never die
growing old with every monument
like the sand beneath the tide
all these feelings rolling by
and you been on my mind tonight
i'm alone
but it's not loneliness
another way to pass the time
i don't think about what might have been
if we'd seen it eye to eye
i could love you through a night
but i can't save nobodies life
hear the freight train cry along
through the winter countryside
he will stop awhile in every town
only long enough to sigh
maybe now is not the time
for anything i say
may be a lie
i can make you laugh and cry
but i can't let no one inside
i haven't got a lot to say
not a word to make it right
all my wishes go to you, my love
have a peace we couldn't find
like the leaves go when they die
they float across a windy silver sky
so i won't say it as goodbye
for darling, all is love and love is life
-Abe Abraham


"Love demands expression. It will not stay still, stay silent, be good, be modest, be seen and not heard, no. It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note it smashes the glass and spills the liquid. It is no conservationist love...How can you stick at a game when the rules keep changing? I shall call myself Alice and play croquet with the flamingoes. In Wonderland everyone cheats and love is Wonderland, isn't it? Love makes the world go round. Love is blind. All you need is love. Nobody ever died of a broken heart. You'll get over it. It'll be different when you're married. Time's a great healer...
It's the cliches that cause the trouble. A precise emotion seeks a precise expression. If what I feel is not precise then should I call it love? It is so terrifying, love, that all i can do it shove it under a dump bin of pink cuddly toys and send myself a greeting card saying 'Congratulations on your Engagement'. But I am not engaged and I am deeply distracted. I am desperately looking the other way so that love won't see me. I want the diluted version, the sloppy language, the insignificant gestures. The saggy armchair of cliches. It's all right, millions of bottoms have sat here before me. The springs are well worn, the fabric smelly and familiar. I don't have to be frightened..." -Jeanette Winterson


And all shall fade
the flowers of spring
the world and all the sorrows
at the heart of everything

but still it stays
the butterfly sings
and opens purple summer
with a flutter of its wings

the earth will wave with corn
the grey-fly choir will mourn
and mares will neigh
with stallions that they mate
foals they've borne

and all shall know the wonder
of purple summer...

And yet, I wait
the swallow brings
a song too hard to follow
that no one else can sing

the fences sway
the porches swing
the sky begins to thunder
crickets wander, murmuring

the earth will wave with corn
the grey-fly choir will mourn
and mares will neigh
with stallions that they mate
foals they've borne

and all shall know the wonder
I will sing the song of purple summer

and all shall know the wonder
I will sing the song of purple summer
-Lauren Pritchard


metaphors, similes, connections, stifled expression. welcome to my world.

"dust on my face is smearing in the rain, and for the first time i don't know what to say. and now the orange sky is traveling my way..."