Chart the journey that Balboa took...

(i usually enjoy the out-of-context quote list, but the exchange(s) had with my new friend olivia and the interior monologue that i had on loop that day were too irresistible to NOT post. i'm fully realizing that karma is a comedienne.)

"I don't think anyone can do that right now. Maybe in a long time-like 6 or 7 thousand years. And probably not a person; maybe a machine will be able to figure that out." -Jacob, 8, on fortune telling

"I think both styles of your hair are actually kinda funky." -Jacob on hawk vs. not

"Where's your mom?" -Olivia, 5, sitting behind me on a rafting trip (read: total stranger)
"In Illinois." -me
"Where's your dad?"
"Illinois."
"Why are you alone? How are you doing all by yourself?" (how much time do you have, kid?)
"Because I'm a big kid. I'm an adult."
"No, you're not!" (it's one thing to be questioned or carded by an adult...but a 5-year-old?)
~approximately 20 minutes later~
"Are you a boy or a girl?" (actually, i'm a lesbian. so i'm kinda both. negotiate that! any more questions?)

"So get the crust out." -Jacob on splinters and Chaco foot

"It's none of your business. None of your grown-up business. It's really no grown-up business. It's more me and Mattias' business. I might actually get expelled. Well, in 8th grade. Maybe I shouldn't say this out loud. I might forget about it." -Jacob on $10 and where he got it

"I'm not cool. I don't want to be. It's torture. Then it just makes you popular. Popular is more torture." -Jacob responding to me including him in a group of "cool" people

Just a friendly reminder: Punctuation exists and can be your friend.

Possibly the quickest turnaround for the quote blog...but Maggie came to town for our birthdays and the Cubs series, so most of these come from the walk to Coors Field, the stands, the Rockpile, or driving down Colfax in my trusty '96 Honda. As I drove home last night, the corner of 22nd & Blake seemed mighty different.

"Tanks for Jesus? That's our new band name." -JRe on my mumbly singing

"Arthur Ashe? I'm pretty sure that's a tennis player." -Jess on the Hash twins
"And he's black." -Jill

"In my mind, it's pretty straight. And it also looks like a pig." -Jessica on the US/Canadian border
(insert my bewildered & incredulous facial expressions)
"I'm sorry, did I say that out loud? I've never told anyone that I thought that." -Jess

"No, you mean you're different." -Maggie on judging

"I'm gonna be straight up with you. I know more about the world than he does." -a Beekman truth joke

"I'm just looking for some guud times." -Maggie on team loyalty (how dare she?)

"It's like a beat up FORD..." -Maggie on my ill-working power locks
"It's a Honda and you know that." -me

"Well, it's got to be some kind of conviction. Religious or prison, it's something." -Maggie on life choices

"There are radishes and there are nipples." -Rachel Lee on madlibs

"This gentleman getting into this cab right here just came up with the greatest porn site ever: White Belt Black Ass." -AndrewN (yup, i saw him again)

"Get off my nuts about the water." -Maggie on hydration

"I'll punch her. I'll boob punch her. Because I'm allowed to." -Micah on sisters

"Do you want me to go over there and take care of those lesbians with the horn?" -me on the viivvvvooosoccer things

"See. Butt sex. Not that bad." -Micah on OCD

"Super sweet goat....what's that about?" -Lowedown on texts

"People from Illinois-we're all assholes." -Jaci on the 309 (holler. i'll claim it.)

"How long will British Jill be with us?" -Maggie on annoyance

"I'd take some undercarriage. Right now it's all crotch." -Micah on 92 degrees and metal

"Here's the thing: That's something I don't care about." -JRe on innings

"Unacceptable. UN-Acceptable! UNACCEPTABLE!" -Micah on Cubs fans & Steve Goodman

"If there's one thing I've learned, you take a knee when a player gets hurt.!" -Micah on Fowler

"You can't talk that loud. This thing goes way back." -Jim on Micah's rage

"Better than no boyfriend at all. Of all the guys you had to pick." -Maggie on TYB & CFU

"I go home every 4 months. For beer." -new friend Krista on New Glarus

"After 34 years, you'd think I wouldn't be so surprised by this." -me on game 3
"That you lost?" -Micah
"Now, how it makes me feel."

"If something feel good, go ahead and indulge." -Kari on wobbly extension

"Squirrels kinda scare me, because I don't want the rabies."

"Why does the English language have to be so daft? Yes, English is a daft language, if you haven't noticed in your 31 years." -Jacob, now 8 (obviously)

"Tiger Woods is a terrible person."

"Seven?! Seven at the morning?!"

"No, they have pretty good blood pressure, so they want to keep it."

"Bill Gates invented the iPad. He is one of the richest guys in the world. Yeah, it's him and this other guy switching places for the richest. Do you think he gets paid $1,000 sometimes? For his really good decisions?"

"I can't really remember. My mind isn't really letting me know. " -Maria, 4

"Repertoire." -Maria, still just 4

"HEY! This makes my hipcock look normal."

this round of quotes is fairly inappropriate. i cleaned up what i could, left some out...but some are just to flippin' funny to keep from the fans. it should be said that i've been wicked busy, moved since i last typed, and there is mucho seriouso going on in the brain, the conversations, and many of my peoples have rough lives right now....so the laughter has been fueled by the actual insanity of lives, mine and others....and very therapeutic. if you're easily offended by junior high humor, please skip to the kid quote blog.

"Or a Dance Dance Revolution pad, yes." -LT on bike storage/the reading nook/the scaring spot

"I don't care if there are midgets jumping over rainbows on them, I'm not wearing shorts." -Edubs on Elitches

"You do Kevin all the time?" -Jill on impressions
"That's because he's so easy." -Erin
(ridiculous amounts of laughter)
"This better go in the quote book."-Erin
(again with the laughing....throughout)
"I want to see Jill do me." -Erin
"I do you all the time."-Jill
"Excellent." -Erin

"Geothermal Farrell. It's funny what they think is funny." -JRe on Greensburg

"Turbation. Could you please ask Erin to define that and get back to me?" -Jess

"It was in my little hidey hole." -Jessica on spare keys

"Um....you just said 'vagina' and 'penis chuck'..." -JRe on the line
"Pee chute?" -Spud mishearing

"What is going on with all of these 'hidey holes'?" -Erin misses the joke (or rather, makes it.)

"Of course he's going to Lillith Fair. He's gonna have a picnic blanket and read the latest Anita Shreve book." -Erin on masculinity

"I've done it in a line a lot." -Jill on the laughing game

"I liked doin' the three." -Anna on Consequences

"What's happening? What's that snapping noise?" -Jill on water bottles
"Your brain? Synapses misfiring?" -Whit

"I can't believe you found another TOM!" -Erin on Kevin

"Yeah. That does not sound like a bunch of noise to me." -Kevin on Larimer Lounge

"Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I go to Wal-Mart so I can feel pretty." -steph on the meatstick

"But, it's like, why are you bringing God into this?!" -Jess on Galatians 2:17

"So three things: no idols, don't eat bloody meat, and keep your sexy time clean." -Jill on Acts 21

"If they were one person, they'd be, like, my best friend. Of all time." -AndrewX on marrieds

"How dare you call out a hipster and then pull an iPhone out of your pocket? How's that application workin' for ya?" -AndrewN on Ben

"Are they like identical twins or something?!"

around a month ago, i was having some moments. so i did one of the 2 things i generally do when i need to sort myself and my headspace out: i went to stella's with a book to dissappear for a few hours. it was a glorious beginning of summer colorado evening. there weren't many db teenagers milling about AND my favorite reading corner was wide open. Yahtzee!



however, there was (what quickly became apparent as) a couple on first date at the nearest table. it became evident shortly thereafter that they had met via the interwebs. let's get this straight: i was trying to read. i'm deaf in one ear and the other one doesn't work so hotsy totsy most of the time. so these folks were talking rather loudly.



i spent a good 45 minutes tuning them out, but some of their conversation was irresistable. i went from annoyed at their volume to intrigued by their stories...they covered a plethora of heavy material. they attempted to wrap it up and say goodbye several times, but they just couldn't get enough of one another's company (did i mention that she sounded to be a pretty strict feminist and he thinks that the woman should stay at home birthin' babies? intense. just to paint the scene a bit further for you, dear reader, the dude had long-ish dark hair, glasses, and could potentially play D & D in his spare time...and the girl had long red hair and an ample backside....in my head [if we're playing the JRe judging game] she might crochet and have a lot of cats.)



here we have a special edition, if you will, of the quote blog....eavesdropping on random strangers style. at this point the conversation becomes so ridiculously entertaining that i did, in fact, scribble notes on the title pages of my book. yup, that good (them)....eeerrr, that pathetic (me).



Dude: If you smoked too much marijuana....Well, it's not that toxic. With alcohol or heroin you could....You picked a good drug to overdose on. Pot's not lethal. Everything in moderation-even moderation. It's a slippery slope. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to renew my vow to be sober. I think I'm growing out of it. ....(long pause)...

I'm kind of embarrassed now. All of a sudden. I'm not sure why.

Girl: Don't worry. I'm not really that judgemental. ....(another long pause)

We should go.

(random talk from both parties about when it would be appropriate to see each other again.)

Girl: I think you're trying to stick to the 3-day rule...but you don't really want to.
Dude: I would love to see you tomorrow.
Girl: I think 2 days is good.
Dude: As they say in Pulp Fiction, "That's when you know you've found somebody really special: you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence."
Girl: Not to sound like a crazy Tarantino fan...
Dude: Jackie Brown is my favorite.

"Yes, there are places left in the world where people are named Penelope!"

(i was recently told that my last quote entries weren't "that funny". that said, i'm bringing it anyhooze. also, as school is out-for-summer, the kid quotes will be fewer and mostly from the ones that i nanny or highpoint kids. still gold, though. still gold. enjoy.)

"I have a terrible sense of remembrance." -Jacob, age 7

"Is that enough 'creatures'?" -Sophie, age 18, on Mary Shelley

"C'mon, people! Are you serious here?!?"- Jacob on InTouch magazine (which he shamefully found in my backseat)
"...it's like a marriage magazine." -after I questioned what he was reading

"What's the big deal of college anyways?" -Jacob
"What do you think is the big deal? the point?" -me
"Tests. Tests. Teeeests." -Jacob

"Why do people pay taxes? I mean, how do they pay them?" -Jacob
"Blah blah blah..." -my explanation, paraphrased
"Never mind for the whole 'paying tax thing'." -Jacob's reaction to that business

" I like Rock Obama." -Maria, age 4
"What do you like about him?" -me
"I like his handsome hair."

"Jill Bradford is interrupting me listening to Kurt. Hey Kurt, what's that thing that I'm never supposed to forget?" -Stefan, age 18

"Michael just laughs at everything Jill says." -Stefan
"Just say his name. Just say his name." -Brian, age 17

"You 2 are like a married black couple." -Michael, age 17

"I've never plucked a rooster and I'm not too good at ping pong...."

"I think in the wintertime she can get pale...but I think that's all white people." -Kris on Emily


"Barometric pressure is a bitch." -steph on allergies and canals


"So, does God have different standards for..." "....jungle people?" -JRe and me figuring out the book of Acts (as you can tell, we're pretty adept at it.)


"It says somewhere in the Bible, or maybe the Mormon bible, at this point I don't even care..."-Jess on predestination and free will (one of our favorites)

"A little nook? Oh, a little nooky in the master bedroom." -Michelle on house hunting


"Welcome to my life. Can I just look at it and play with it a little bit, but I don't want to lead you on. This isn't going anywhere." -Erin on house hunting, as well


"I'm Tim Gunnin' this b!t@h!" -me on making bathrooms work


"Is there an outlet up here for my blender? Alright, extension cord it is." -Edubs on rooftop sunbathing


"We got Fatty McGee over here. Yeah, he watches the Food Network with his hands down his pants." -Erin on potential neighbor guy
"Whatever, I'm not training for the Olympics!" -me
"Well, at least he's not a crackhead." -Erin comparing potential neighbors


"Just drive down Delaware and look for the ugliest house on the block. That's where I live."


"Rain simplifies your life by eliminating your options." -Garrison Keillor

"I'm not even gettin' in the water. That's what lifeguards are for." -Erin on kids

"STOP YOUR MOUTH!" -Jess on 'Left Lane Must Turn Left' signs on 72, me driving and making jokes

"Girl Scouts like gays." -Tate on San Francisco

"Are you sure it's not a Catholic church?" -Sloan on smokers

"I know that Jesus loves the little children, but when you get older, He's pissed." -John on theology